So, its about seven right now but I woke up at 5:30 am. I went to bed at about 2 am. so...I have had three hours of sleep. Yuck. I dont know why I woke up but I am somewhat glad that I did. The reason? I was having a bad dream. :( I don't like bad dreams. Who does?
My dream was about these two chicks (random people I've never met) making fun of me. They were making fun of me because I wasn't smart and because I didn't know how to speak well. They were comparing me to my smarter friends etc. My reaction? What it has always been: physical violence. lol First I punched them, then I threw a cup at their stomachs (ask Mckenna, I have a thing for throwing cups haha). The reason why I resort to physical violence is because I can't articulate my feelings when I'm emotional. Actually, come to think of it, I have trouble speaking period. My tongue gets all tied up, I jumble my words, and I stutter. Its not fun, and to make matters worse it always flares up when I am nervous (I am always nervous when I'm talking to someone).
Anyways, so I woke up feeling really angry and hurt. I was thinking about all of the people that I knew that were way smarter than I was, about the times when people have made quips/ snide remarks about my lack of intelligence, and all of the stupid things that I have said. In short, I was feeling pretty lame. But, then I started to think about what could be a better reaction. I should not have hit them (the girls in my dream). haha Physical violence should always be your last resort, not your first. I've got to learn that. haha
I also began to think of things I could have said (ways to fix my dream) when I realized something. Yes, there are people that are more intelligent than me. There are people who can say how they feel at opportune moments, but, there is one thing that I do know: I love with all of my heart.
What I mean is that I have no doubt in my mind that I love people very deeply. I feel for people when they are sad, I feel their pain, and I want to help so badly. Sometimes I don't do so well at showing it but I think about people all of the time. Whenever I am watching a movie and someone dies or they're in pain I imagine myself cupping their face in my hand, kissing their foreheads, and somehow cleansing their body of pain. Sounds kind of weird :) but it makes me feel better. I can't bear to watch them helpless and alone. Ever since I was a kid I would pray for everyone in the world, especially the homeless people. haha And when I really think about it, that's what really counts. I would never be satisfied with my life if I were the smartest person in the world who didn't know how to love. Life is not worth living without love.
So yea, that all came from a bad dream. :) I had to get it out because it was keeping me awake. Well, goodnight. I'm gonna attempt to sleep again. Wish me luck! :)
ps. I just saw that someone from Beverly hills came on my blog (whether for a second or a millisecond I do not know) but, it made me think of the song "Beverly hills! Thats where I wanna be! Livin' in Beverly Hills.." lol Now its stuck in my head. haha
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