Family

Right now I am at my dinner table at home. Bekah is screaming "PLEASE PASS THE PARMESAN CHEESE!!" Stevie is texting his friend, Madeline is looking at pictures on mom's cell phone and Sarah is looking over her shoulder. Its joshie's birthday today and my dad is a little uptight so he can make it the best day for Josh. We are eating tortellini for dinner because Josh requested it. He also requested fruit loops for breakfast, which I was dissapointed in because I am a cinomin toast crunch girl, but I got over it when I realized it was because it was Josh's favorite. (even tried a bowl)
This is a average day in my home. Bekah is the constant insane one, screaming, demanding, yet in her insanity she is wise for her age. Intelligence bursts from her little frame, she says things that she has heard from my mom as she reads to her. I come into her room and she is sitting on her little princess bed reading. One time she told my mom that she was "nervous for this holiday season"
Then there is Joshie, Man of the hour, who has the cutest little two front teeth. He has the most tender personality, and you can tell that he will be a heartbreaker. The charm of my father and the innocence of my mom.
Theres Sarah who is the shyest little woodland creature with her sweet little beauty.
Then there is Alex who has grown up so much. He has the best sense of humor, he always makes me laugh.
Madeline, who I have gotten so protective over, a growing beauty who has tons of strength. (we have hip wars, where you each other in the hips with all our power and she will send me flying.)
Stevie, a gentle giant if you ever seen one. He likes to pat me on the head when I get all fired up. He's got a new nickname for me and its Kitty Lion because Im a "kitty that thinks she is a lion."
My older sister Mckenna who is a fireball but with her husbands love and her life becoming her dreams that she used to tell me she is a beautiful woman who has the grace of an angel. Shes goregous and smart. I wish that I looked like her, but I dont. I look like me and thats okay, I like how I look.
Anyways, that is my family and sometimes I do things that I regret. I let my temper get the better of me and I flare up and say something rude or hurtful. Theyre so patient with me and they just shrug it off and when I come pining back to them begging for forgiveness. Its just hard because I get really uptight and I cant breathe and its hard to act normal. Im working at it but the only time that I am myself and nice and sweet is when I pray and I read my scriptures. Its just the way that it is. So i am doing better at it because the LAST thing that I want to do is to hurt my best of friends, for they are truly my best friends. More than anyone.

THANK YOU!!!

I was just thinking the other night about some really nice things strangers have done for me. None of them were during the Christmas season, by the way, they were always something totally unexpected and a great surprise. About two months ago I was walking home from work and I was pretty cranky. There were some things going on that made me pretty angry and therefore I didnt want to talk to anyone. I just stomped home with a frown on my face, soooo tired and so worn out emotionally and physically. That morning I had gone to work at 4 am and I had gotten like three hours of sleep, I had to work eight hours straight and my face was burnt from working the grill and my face was gross with the oil from making fries and picking up the slack of not having enough people helping me in that area. So I was walking, virtually growling in the world, then turning the corner I saw he guy walking towards me. I knew I looked horrible so I was thinking to myself "I know im ugly, just walk on by and pretend that Im not here..growl growl moan moan." He smiled at me and said, with a cheerful smile and a twinkle in his eye "Beautiful view isnt it?" pointint to the view of the Provo city below us (we were on BYU campus, on a hill that overlooked the south part of town) I tried to smile (which probably looked scarier than my frown) and all of a sudden I couldn't think negatively. I couldn't be angry! Believe me, I tried, but I found myself taking a deep breath and praying that Heavenly Father would bless him in his life for touching mine, for he truly risked his by talking to a carnivorous looking young lady like me.
There are so many times in my life that people have been so sweet and kind that I wish that I knew best how I could bless theirs. There are people very dear to me that have listened to me when I was going through a hard time and asked me how I was doing. Friends who stuck with me when I became a hermit and didnt talk to anyone for days on end. :/ Family members who just grinned and bore my strangeness. :) A good friend of mine that I wont be see any more that stuck with me in the hardest of times in which I grew very close to. Every night, without fail, I pray that I can repay them. or when their going through a hard time I can help them the way that they helped me. This is not a seasonal feeling, but one that I hope that will call me to action everyday of every year. And if there is ANYTHING that anyone wanted me to do for them, I would love love love love love love love to do it. Even if its someone to listen to when you talked. I know that I haven't done all I can because I can get pretty shy around people. I just get awkward and Im afraid that I'll hurt their feelings or overstep on my boundaries and do something wrong. One person actually thought that I was avoiding them..yikes..I just get scared. lol Hopefully I'll get over my weakness and cowardice and help others, work on my life as a hermit and step out of my shell. hahaha

Ugly fugly face

I am listening to sweet blues christmas music. It makes it so much more entertaining than the normal Christmas music. hahaha oohh yeaaa (sounding like louis armstrong) So it was really weird but I had a dream that it snowed and then I woke up this morning and lo and behold! It had snowed!! So strange..So now I still feel like im a asleep sorduve. It was hard waking up because Kenna Richard and I stayed up till like 3 am being really silly and laughing sooo hard I think I peed my pants. lol we took really really freaky pictures of ourselves and the funniest part was looking at the pictures of ourselves. I never knew that looking ugly could be so much fun!! It all started with me trying to give myself bangs. I had gone to the bathroom (after watching Brian Regan and laughing my butt off) and started snipping but I accidently cut way too short and I looked so funny that I started laughing hystericlly. I collapsed in the hallway laughing so hard because I looked so funny!!! That led to me making funny faces in the mirror and announcing to Kenna and Richard that I could make the scariest faces. They challenged me to a ugly face duel. I think I won though. Mine is HIDEOUS!!! I look like I have a million double chins, my neck dissapeared in the fat. hahahahaha I dont think I laughed harder than last night in a LONG time. awww...good times.

I am in love

Im pregnant with junk food. My teeth are caked with candy cane stikiness.
I am in love with brown sugar
I am in love with my toes
I am in love
and the list goes and goes and goes

When the stars come out I cant watch them like I'd like to; my neck hurts
I am in love with ageless showers
I am in love with my mystical books
I am in love
and the list goes and goes and goes

There is no end to my mistakes, they follow me into bliss.
I am in love with wet grass
I am in love with trains and their ladders
I am in love
and the list goes and goes and goes

He said I loved him, I did not, I shall not, I shant
I am in love with old fashioned detectives
I am in love with my ipod's earphones
I am in love
and the list goes and goes and goes

Peter pan has left my window, I am Wendy bird
I am in love with the skin of the piano
I am in love with laughter
I am in love
and the list goes and goes and goes

I write too much, no one reads, and I am alone in my words
I am in love with confused lyrics
I am in love with late night thoughts
I am in love
and the list goes and goes and goes

No one understands me, and I dont understand anyone.
I am in love with solitude
I am in love with walks in the sun-setting brilliance
I am in love
and the list goes and goes and goes

I wish that I lived in a library, the sun seems brighter in such a heavenly place
I am in love with wildflowers
I am in love with no man
I am in love
and the list goes and goes and goes


Find your girl in the window of a shopping mall.
In my eyes, you wont find what you want.
My skin is not bruised and broken
I am not naive and wont fall for your clever lies
Do not decept me, dont bequest on me your dirty fingers.
I am different
I am not what you knew back then

I am a silly girl beginning to live my dream
I am in love with chance
I am in love with surprises
I am in love
I am deeper than myself
I am what I want to be
I am happy
I am trying to find out what I can do to Be.
I make mistakes, but I laugh when I make them.
I am forgiving myself
I am in love with choice
I am in love with courage
I am in love
I am in love with cathedrals
I am in love with ancient choirs
I am in love with life
and in return
life is in love with me.

My testimony

I went to church today and it was the ward that I havent really gone to. (about twice) They had testimony meeting (I totally forgot it was fast and testimony meeting..whoops) but I didnt get a chance to bear my testimony. I had to leave early because I am not feeling good. I was sitting there thinking if there was some way I could bear my testimony because I really wanted to. So, instead of in church, I will bear it here. :) Bearing a testimony can be kind of scary, escpecially when you have to stand up in front of a million people it seems. Some people take the time to tell stories, be grateful for things, etc etc. But whenever someone really bears their testimony of what they know is true, you really feel the peace of the spirit, the burning inside where you know it is true as well, and you are so glad that someone else feels the same way. I know there were many many people who had strong testimonies that never stood up, and I am grateful for others who also believe in God as I do. (no matter which church or denomination that they adhere to) I am so glad there are those who are kind in the world, those who really try and do what is right (or what they believe is right) and for those who sacrifice their time in order to edify those they care about. I respect all people who truly have testimonies of the Lord. I will never pretend I am any better than anyone else. I know it is a lie, because I know we are all entirely equal, no matter what we decide to do with our lives. Anyways, I would now like to say what I believe in and what I know to be true. I testify of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I know that he lived many years ago, bled and died for our sins. I know that he rose again in life and is living today with our Heavenly Father. I know that Heavenly Father cares so much about each and everyone one of us. I know that he loves me, and that he is intimatly involved in my life. I know that he listens to our prayers and answers them in ways that we may or may not see. I know that he gave us his words to help nourish us and guide us. I know that the Bible contains his words, that the Book of Mormon contains his words, and any thing that his Prophets have said on his behalf is true. I testify that he has sent us a prophet in these days to help us, to nurture us, and to protect us from our own carnal state. I testify that Joseph Smith was indeed a true prophet and a great man. I testify that Thomas S. Monson is our true prophet now, and that he is a good man and that he will guide us if we listen to his words. I know that the Lord would never ask us to do things that we could not do.
He has saved me, he has saved all of us, and I know this with all of my heart. I testify of Christ, that he lives, that he loves us. I testify of our dear Heavenly Father who loves us so much that he has made it that we can return in his presence once again. I testify, and know because of the Holy Ghost, that we can be forgiven of any sin that we may commit. I cannot deny what I know, and I say it with peace and assurance and with complete joy. I cannot deny it because through all of my hardships it is the Lord that has saved me. I have gone through the worst that I ever thought I could, but it was all because of my own stupidity. I believed I could do it on my own. I believed that God did not want to help me, but he has blessed me so much to show that he truly does love me and that he wants to help me. It was only when I turned to him did I finally become truly happy. I am soo excited to get to know him better. I am so excited to slowly understand his ways (though I know that it will take more than a lifetime) I want to become like him someday, and I want him to be proud of me. I want to show him that I love him, that I am his faithful and humble servant. That whatever he asks of me, that I would do it to the best of my ability. But I know also that I cannot do anything worth anything on my own. I am nothing without God. Life without him is dull and full of disappointment. Life with him is filled with promise, joy, happiness, and peace. This is what I know to be true and that anyone who is wondering can pray to Heavenly Father and he will always tell us what we need and what is true, for he cannot lie, nor would he ever want to, and he will always help us if we ask for it. This I know with all my soul, and I say in Jesus' name, Amen.

Going on a mission!

So this morning I woke up thinking "I am going on a mission." There was no reason for it, I hadnt been really thinking about it at all. But, the more I thought of it the more I got excited. I began to realize how amazing it would be! The whole goal of being a missionary is to bring others to Christ, to serve, and to help those in need. What is the best thing that you could do but serve for six months or more? There is no pay, there is nothing I am getting back for it, I will just be helping others. What better way to spend my time than that? :) This is something I have always wanted but now I realize just how real it is. It is coming so close that I can finally turn in my papers. I have about three months until I can. Im reading my scriptures more and more and studying Preach my Gospel. It brings the spirit in my life and I am so much happier when I am doing these things. I want to serve him more and more. If the Lord wants me to, I will go. If I am told that it is something I should do I am soooo happy that there is something that I can do to help him in any way possible. :)



http://www.lds.org

The miracles of Modern Medicine

You know, before this illness that I have had this past week or so, I have not really been a fan of medicines. I mean I was glad we had them and I thought they were great, but I never really had much of an ongoing participation with them. As of late, I used benadryl ( I dont know how to spell it..) and nyquill. I could finally sleep!! It was great! So it made me really grateful that we have medicine to make our lives a little more bareable. :) We are really blessed these days to have so many things that can help us! I think that I am going to go outside and do something fun because I am getting really restless just chiling in the house..its driving me crazy! I cant stay inside for too long. Its so cave like and I love being out in the outdoors. Its goregeous!! well, ta ta for now.

Want to be happy?

There are a lot of things I am grateful for. There are a million things that I have been blessed with that make me happy and makes my life just that much more enjoyable.
One of those things is the Book of Mormon.
I have been reading it more these days and I have really been given a lot more in return than what I give to read it. I cant tell you how many great lessons I have learned all in only two days. I have been reading it ever since I was a young girl but there are such simple but very important truths that I realize saturate the book. There are so many amazing stories of men and women that sacrifice things for Heavenly father and you see how eternally blessed they are for it. It makes me realize that in the moment it may not seem like choosing the right is appealing but in the long run it give so much more than you could ever dream.
There is a saying that has been abused throughout the church. It goes like this: "He never said it was easy, he just said it was worth it" I am sorry to say but you should look in the Book of Mormon and you will find that he actually does say that it is easy. He said that a lot of people don't choose the right because of the "easiness of the way". Choosing the right makes life so much easier and bearable. I can attest to that. My life is so much sweeter when I do all that I can. Ive been struggling with something in my life for a very long time. Its threatened my life a few times, but Ive stuck with it. Times were the toughest when I tried to do it on my own, or when I grew bitter and did things that I knew were bad for me or that werent right. It is only when I calm down, really look deep inside myself and I cry to the Lord and beg for forgivness and help that things begin to brighten. There is a peace that begings to grow inside me, I smile more often, I laugh more, I live more.
No one is perfect, and he never expects us to be. He just wants us to try. "Endure to the end and Ye shall be saved." I know he lives and that he loves everyone, even if they do not believe he exsists or if they believe wholeheartedly in him. His love is unconditional, which is great news for people like me who screw up more than I could count. :) But we are blessed with the Atonement. We are blessed with our dear Savior, Jesus Christ. :) Seeing his name just makes me want to smile! The more you ask for forgivness, the more real the atonment becomes.

-Its as if we are children and we decide we want to climb on the counter and grab a cookie from the high shelves. In our greedy process we fall and cut ourselves. We cry out for our father and ask for his help. (But he cant come unless we ask, he has given us free agency to choose if we want him in our lives) He comes running over to our side, picks us up and takes us to the couch. As he bandages our cut we cry bitterly. "Im so sorry, I was just trying to get a cookie. I am sorry." He smiles and cleans the cut. "its okay, thats what I am here for." We sniffle. "Are you mad?" And still he smiles, gently applying ointment. "Of course not." Then, from behind wet eyelashes we ask meekly. "Why? I dont deserve this..You shouldnt be helping me..I am a bad person. I steal cookies. You told me not to and theyre bad for me too..." By now he's done, the band-aid saftly in place, our leg on the mend. He gathers us in his arms and we feel his voice rumbling through his chest. "Of course you dont deserve it." he laughs quietly. "I just love you so much, I hate to see you hurt. You mean so much to me. I just want you to be happy."-

I know none of us deserve his grace. But I also know that I am so eternally grateful for it. I know that we are nothing without him. He is not some angry God just waiting to punish us. He can be our greatest ally, our best mentor, our best of friends, our dear Savior. I do not know a happier place than being held in the arms of such a glorious and perfect being. Just have faith. Just have hope. Trust in him, ask him for help, and Endure. Sure, there will be things in our life that will seem to hedge up our way, but he has said in the scriptures that

"And the Lord shall help them, and deliver them: he shall deliver them from the wicked, and save them, because they trust in him." Psalms 37:40 And not just deliver us from the wicked, but from sadness, sorrow, or difficulties. Its like going without shoes in tough terrian. Its silly. Just wear the darn shoes! :) But sometimes hardships are persistant and there is a lesson to be learned. But the Lord will make the burden light, he will make it easier and bearable. Trust me, I know from first hand experience. :)

Its hard when we fight with our imperfections. Just try your hardest, and when you make a mistake ( and you will, more than you know) just ask for forgivness, strength, and help. I am completely sure that He is only so glad to help. For "God’s work and glory is to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man" Moses 1: 39. and "Men are that they might have joy" 2 Nephi 9:18

Hey, this is what I see it as. "Cheer up Charlie" :)
Life can be great!! Life can be exciting!! Just have faith, and never ever ever give up. :) Find joy in the moment, thats the lesson I think we should all learn. No circumstance can change our outlook if it is not determintate on what is going on around us. If it is anchored on an eternal and unchanging being that is perfect and full of joy, we will always have his peace and deep and lasting joy.

Dont forget it," O remember, remember, my sons, the words which king Benjamin spake unto his people; yea, remember that there is no other way nor means whereby man can be saved, only through the atoning blood of Jesus Christ, who shall come; yea, remember that he cometh to redeem the world."

Mosiah 4: 30 "remember, and perish not"

Just keep swimming! :) and when your swiming, be happy. Life is good.

My father

Alright, Im not sure how many people have heard about this but some lady was killed by being trampled on in a mad rush on black friday or whatever the heck its called. (the day when there are apparently great deals in stores after thanksgiving) That really made me sad. What is the world coming to? Kind of lost faith in humanity. But..I have just realized that no matter how bad people may be there are amazing people out there.
My father, of all people, is my hero. There are things that I have gone through that only he knows about because he is my protector and my best friend. I feel like I can go to him about ANYTHING and he wont judge me, think less of me, or treat me ill for what I had done. My father is truly an amazing man. I have been so blessed. I would say so even if i wasnt his daughter. Ever since he was young he always did the smart, wise, kind thing. He was the peacemaker in his family ( though I know that his siblings were amazing people as well. I really respect them all. They come from great parents, my grammy and papa) and he, without going to college, exceeded in his career choices. He was manager over people who had masters degrees and such. He has made his own buisness and it has blossomed under his wise decisions. I am his biggest fan. (second only to my mom) He taught himself how to sail by reading books about it. By reading books he has learned how to do many things. His mind is so strong and his wisdom is that of a man who has worked hard for it.

Something that touches my heart the most is that he has loved me and wanted me in his life ever since he was a child. Apparently he had a Charlie Brown doll that he would take care of like a child. He had a dream about me and Mckenna. Ever since he was young he wanted to be a father. I can tell by how he treats me that I mean the world to him. He calls me all the time and leaves me the best messages that I save and listen to whenever I feel sad or alone. He has helped me through the toughest of times. Through everything he has never lost faith in me. I know that I have done many things to take away his love from me or make him not respect me or feel hurt, but he has always forgiven me, always loved me, and always respected me no matter how much I deserved it. (I never deserve it) Whenever I am confused about something or I need a helping hand I know that I can talk to him and he will help me. My father has the most tender heart and taught me the beauty of Mercy. My father is truly my best friend. I am so blessed to have him as a father and I hope that I can carry on his legacy and be a good mother to my children. I am truly blessed. I love my Dad so much. I am eternally indebted to him.

Thats us as a family, Mckenna is taking the picture so she's not there, neither is Stevie because he was at home. (were in Mckenna and richard's apartment.) I am sitting between my mom and dad