Today I was a mermaid :)

I was sore from the gym again today so I decided to take a bath after taking a quick shower. When I looked down at the drain I saw that we had no way to plug the water with. Of course with my little mind began to work furiously, my wet glasses smashed unto my face in order to see, I realized it could most likely work by clogging the drain with my shampoo bottle. It seemed big enough at the time. So as I slowly began leaning back, feeling the warmth tenderly begin to massage my aching legs, I realized there was no gently sloping end where I could recline my head. It was at an awkward angle and I just couldn't figure out how I could fit and be comfortable at the same time. I began to lust after my Aunt and Uncle's bathtub. Their tub most definitely sends you to some heavenly orb. I had to drag my sorry bum out of it when I was staying in their lovely home (I was babysitting their children overnight) because I knew that it would be awkward if they came home and I had been sitting in the tub for that night and the following morning. How could I explain myself without being disowned from their family forever and never be able to baby sit my cousins until the end of time?
Anyways, while trying quite fruitlessly to get comfortable in my less than luxurious bathtub, I soon gave up and found a way to either prop my legs up and go under water with my top half or let my legs relax while keeping as much of the rest of my body submerged. When I turned the faucet off I laid myself onto my side which made the water ripple angrily and in turn sent my shampoo bottle scooting just far enough away from the drain to let the water begin to gurgle its way out.
I had every right to become perturbed or go on some quest to find a more adequate plug, but I decided that it was useless and found a way to enjoy myself.
By then I was very much relaxed, lying on my side, feeling the watery hands grip and touch me gently. As the water line slowly lowered I felt it pull my hair down into a halo around my head. With the water messaging my skin, slipping farther and farther away, I felt as if I were a mermaid. The hard unforgiving porcelain soon became soft white sand. I had taken my glasses off long ago so looking up to the ceiling it seemed to be a cloud filled sky (thanks to my legally blind eyes). I thought to myself " I could stay like this forever". It was as if I had lost the shell of stress that had encrusted around me, gathering its layers day by day. I had wiggled from my mortal skin into the flawless body of a mermaid. My mind was sent into the days when as a child I would pretend to be some sea living creature as I took my highly coveted baths.
When I was left with an empty tub and soon to be cold skin, I decided to slowly sit myself up and wring out my hair. Stepping out I realized that I was very much human, but looking into the mirror at my flushed face and hair plastered to my neck, I remained a mermaid. Smiling, I turned on my haunting Celtic music and lived in the dream, brushing my hair musingly.

Venting

Okay, so my eyes are about to burn out of my skull...my head feels like there is a clamp squeezing my head, and I think I am about to kick some little post office man/woman in the butt. Okay, maybe I wouldnt really kick them, but the reason for my painful head is because I havent gotten my glasses from my mom yet. She sent them last week and she accidentally wrote the wrong address, so she sent it again. The people at the post office (grrrrr) told her that it would arrive in two days..its been two days and I still dont have a package. This morning I couldnt sleep cuz I was so excited. BUT lo and behold, no package!! I called the post office and of course they said that it wasnt there. I do not blame my mom, its not her fault, and I know that there is no way they would know that it was the wrong address, but I just need someone to blame. hahaha Okay, fine. I wont blame them. I wont try and pick a fight with those Safari hat wearing people. I will breathe....maybe try and find an asprin for my head. ggggggrrrrrrr...........

What ghosts cannont tell

AH HA!!! There is a story I have been working on for about five or more years now. I just got a great idea for it so I am going to start writing it and hopefully make it all fit the way I want. If you want to read it, heres a part of it.

http://shortstories-c.blogspot.com/

Death in the air. Death(aka cold air) is everywhere. Niping at my fingers, niping at my toes. Cold is so terrible. My great and horrible foe

I woke up this morning wishing I could sleep for another decade. Morphing into a bear-sounds like a most divine option. Hibernation anyone? I am surely a taker. Anyways, if getting out of bed wasn't difficult enough, merely walking around was like wearing boots (although my boots are in reality only fake leather..or whatever it is) of steel and concrete. My muscles scorned my recent exercise. When going running the previous day I ran on my tip-toes in order to get a more delving workout in my lower calves, which Im sure I suceded in. What I wasnt prepared for was a full on civil war between my determination to run as hard and challenging as I can (my mind) and my actual strength (my calves).
ANYWAYS,
enough prattle.
It was strange today. I wore my muffin/mushroom hat because I didnt have time to dry my hair, and I got the oddest reactions from people. A couple people smiled at me, girls complimented me "thats such a cute hat!" "thats such a cute hat and you look great in it!" Blah blah blah. I know that it is seemly and only customary to be flattered by recieving compliments (although, I dont see the reason for me saying thanks, I didnt make the hat! I just wear it for darn sake to keep my noggin' from freezing!) but during the course of my day, the random smiles and compliments I found myself bewildered. It brought me to a realization. I would love not to state it because everytime I think over this character quirk that I have, I feel sheepish. Again, a reaction that seems strange.
well, my character quirk is that I dislike attention. I love people. Love to talk with them, see them smile and laugh, do them good, but at the same time I do not like them focusing on me. Alright...that is not entirely true. I do daydream being able to sing in front of a crowd with an awesome voice that could touch everyone's hearts and souls with its awesomeness...I even enact it when jumping on my bed singing (off tune of course) to my ipod. But, at the same time I would love to have the chance to dissapear.
Oh hey look! Caitlin is rambaling again! what a surprise....? not really.
Anyways ( I say that a lot, dont I?) apparently Rexburg is supposedly going to get colder...(more cold..whatever) Is that even possible?!! When walking out of the library my breath was forced back into my chest by a great and terrible fist of freezing cold air. It was as if it were saying "BREATHING IS NOT ALLOWED. LIFE DOES NOT EXIST OUT HERE, BE GONE HUMAN!"
Of course I trudged my way through the torrent of devilish angels hidden in the wind, but it was not without great struggle. When I scuffle home from my night classes I try to dispell my anger towards the freezing death by whistling: "There is sunshine in my soul today!" ha! take that evil chill! I dont mind the looks of endearment and patronization from patrons; I carry on in my battle, though subtle, which is unquestionably essential to my survival.
This reminds me...
there are certain things that I must have. If I have them, I am good. If not, I am an unhappy quiet yet coniving grump. And they are as follows:
1. Caitlin must have a full stomach
2. Caitlin must be able to sleep
3. Caitlin must be warm.

Really, I am not high maitenance. I dont lust after jewels, nice clothes, nice cars, nice houses, nice cutlery (I bet someone somewhere lusts after nice cutlery, who wouldnt want a nice sleek knife or fork?) such on a so forth.
Anways, a warm, full, and well rested Caitlin is a Happy Caitlin. Who is also refferring to herself in third person and must get to bed now before she looses her mind. oh wait, too late.
Good night world. Good night friends, foes, aquaintences, bosom nothings, entertainers, entertainees, or random folk who do not fit in catagories.
Night.

Who is God really?

I was reading in the scriptures, in Enos, when I began to think about the nature of God. I pondered about who he was when Enos said in verse 6, after he had prayed all day for a remission of his sins, "And I Enos knew that God could not lie, therefore my guilt was swept away." Do I have that much faith in God? To repent, and then feel that I was forgiven and feel no more guilt because surely God would never lie to me, his daughter whom he loves so much. It made me feel bad for my lack of faith, totally and utterly dimmed by Enos' bonfire of faith in comparison. Yet, his example has sparked an even deeper interest in who God is in me. For, if he truly does not lie, then he is eternally powerful because when someone is so honest that he could not lie (even though he has every chance to because he is God after all) than we can fully rely on his word. Now that is power. When I meet someone who does not lie (often for we are human and make mistakes) I see personal power. It is a great thing to develop a trait that you can share with God. And of course we are only the dust of the earth, nothing in comparison to our Heavenly Father or Savior in Heaven, but he wants us to be like him and share his eternal joy. God is joy, and men are that they might have joy. Its a wonderful thing to have such a glorious and powerful being wanting the best for us. Very reassuring, thats for sure. :)

By the way, this is a very humbling and profound talk by Gordon B. Hinckley. I highly recommend it:
http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?vgnextoid=f318118dd536c010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD&locale=0&sourceId=f9ef092480e6c010VgnVCM1000004d82620a____&hideNav=1

late late late late

Its late but I think I'm okay. I am kind of rewarding myself for working hard this first week of school (haha...this is not really a reward because it'll throw me off tomorrow. But..I hate mondays anyways)
I just wanted to say a public "Thank you" and then list all the things that I hope for...

First, I want to thank Heavenly Father for giving me a second chance at life. I want to thank hi for everything he has done for me, for being there for me and being patient with me, even though I make so many mistakes OVER AND OVER again.

Secondly, To my family. They have always been there for me and I have never been closer to any other human beings than with them. They are my best of friends and they have been there for me through thick and thin. Theyve seen me at my worst and they still love me. (a miracle..truly)

Third, to everyone who has touched my life. There have been times when I needed a friend and someone was there. Someone to listen to me groan and moan about things that were foolish or tedious. Also, to those in my life who have shown little acts of kindness. From strangers, to good friends. I am truly grateful for your love and your kindness. I never forget it and I always pray that Heavenly father blesses you greatly in so many ways for helping such a silly person as me.

I know this sounds like one of those "thank you"s at the end of a CD jacket, but I just felt like I needed to send out a general thank you out into the void of technology. My heart is truly full. Looking back at my life, I have gone far. Very far from many horrible times in my life. I could say that I had an easy life, but at the same time I could say that I had a very difficult life. I choose to say that I have had a perfect life for me. I need a challenge and Heavenly Father has definitely given me some things to tackle. well..I guess its mostly just so that I can come closer to him because the problems evaporated once I returned into his care.

My testimony of Heavenly Father and of Jesus Christ and The Book of Mormon and of the church are so much a part of me that its impossible to think of my life without these influences. I not only cant see my life without them, I dont want to. Its who I am. Heart mind and soul. And when I make stupid mistakes (and I most definately make my fair share) I feel terrible. I want to be as near to God as I can. I just hope that I can to all that I can to be near him. Maybe someday when I have my cute little kids I can teach them of the happiness they can have. Teach them in a way that they have their choice. I want them to see that I love God and that because of my trying my best to be good he has blessed me and that he blesses everyone in small to very large ways. I want them to have him as their only god, and to glory in his goodness and wisdom. Even if they dont, I will always love them of course. I will always support them, but I know that no happiness can be found without obeying some law of God's. (and laws are not to be broken or worked around. They are there to lift you up. Who ever said that stairs are horrible or that stairs control your life? Doesnt make sense right? Same thing. doesnt make sense why something that is there to help you is meant to hurt you. It only hurts if you fall down the stairs but if you dont have stairs it makes life that much more difficult) You know though, I believe how I do and others have that right. I just feel really blessed and I am glad that I am alive and that I have a chance to live the life that I want.

Snippet of my day

Today so far has been fun. I got my books (I only had to get two so far.) One I got at the bookstore but the other one I rented at this little store downtown. Its really cute, the man who worked there was kind of nerdy (his co worker was two times as nerdy, but super super sweet) but he was so nice. :) It made me smile. I like nerdy people, theyre cool. (haha I most likely say that because I am truly the queen of nerds) Anyways, I decided to walk to save on gas money and get a little fresh air. Its always fun to walk around in the snow. The crunch crunch, the adreneline rush knowing that any second you could slip and fall on your butt from the hidden ice, the little snowflakes brushing your face, the thrilling chill, and having no stress about finding a parking place or swerving into traffic. Besides, it was only like a 20 min walk and if I drove I would feel pretty lazy.
When I went to the gym today I had forgotten to eat some lunch (and I didnt have any food to begin with so its not like I had much of a choice) so it was as little tougher to run, but I still stayed for an hour so that I could get a full workout. It was funny, when I went in the weight room theres this machine thing that you have to reach up and pull a bar down that lifts up some weights. I had to jump up to reach it, I bet I looked pretty funny. I mean, I already looked strange, not a lot of girls are in the weight room part of the gym. I was super shy of the guys there (dont ask me why) so I kept my head down the whole time. haha Ive gotten a lot more shy than I was only like a month or so ago. I get butterflies talking to people so I screw up what I am trying to say and I sound like such a dork. I bet my roomate thinks so because I said the stupidest things the first day I met her. haha oh well, she'll get to know me and know that I am...wait...an even more nerd! its hopeless..oh well. :) Anyways, so after going to the gym I came home and got to eat my tapicoa pudding (gold ,I tell you GOLD!) that I had found in my "food storage" but afterwards my stomache was sooo loud that I decided to give in and eat my reserve dried cranberries. Sadly, they tasted funny, like old lady perfume, but at least my stomach has quit its loud shouts and screeches. Thank heavens!
So I looked at my syllabus' for this semester and I am feeling kind of overwhelmed. Ive never really been good at school (remembering to turn assignments in and such) but Im going to try my absolute hardest. And thats really all that counts, knowing that I tried my best.
well, speaking of school I am going to write down all of my assignments due throughout the semester so that I can always keep in mind they are due.
Ta ta!

Exactly what I needed

Mosiah 27

24".. I have repented of my sins, and I have been redeemed of the Lord; behold I am born of the Spirit.
25And the Lord said unto me: marvel not that all mankind, yea, men and women, all nations, kindreds, tongues and people, must be born again; yea, born of God, changed rom their carnal and fallen state, to a state of righteousness, being redeemed of God, becoming his sons and daughters;
26and thus they become new creatures; and unless they do this, they can in nowise inherit the kingdom of God.
27I say unto you, unless this be the case, they must be cast off; and this I know, because I was like to be cast off.
28 Nevertheless, after wading through much tribulations, repenting nigh unto death, the Lord in mercy hath seen fit to snatch me out of an everlasting burning and I am born of God.
29 My soul hath been redeemed from the gall of bitterness and bonds of iniquity. I was in the darkest abyss; but now I behold the marvelous light of God. My soul was racked with eternal torment; but I am snatched, and my soul is pained no more. "

Alma the younger took the words right out of my mouth. :)
Its not that I am this saint, I am just happy. I have a soul that is full just knowing that there is a being that loves me no matter what and truly knows who I am. And what makes it all the more better is that he loves everyone the same. No matter if they believe or knows that he lives.

Peace

So I am finally in Rexburg Idaho once again. My insides are writhing with excitement, prickling and spining, my breath caught in my chest. Yet, at the same time I am screaming inside and wanting to curl up in a ball and just sleep forever and wait until it passes. But..I want it at the same time. Its kind of strange to be filled up to the brim with two very conflicting feelings.
But I know that everything will work out for the better. I feel that Heavenly father has really touched my life and given me a chance to live a life that I want to. I life full of joy and real happiness. There are times when I know that I am not even close to being worthy of such divine and unconditional love, but as long as I accept it and utilize the Atonement I will be ok. :)
There is something about reading the scriptures that I love so much. It calms me so much! Today when I all of the things that I had to get done quickly were running around in my head I thought "What I wouldnt give to be reading my scriptures right now and feel that peace."
Truly, A life that is lead by the Lord is a life that is worth living.

Short stories

Hey, so I made another blog! I will be writing my short stories that always run through my head. Every night, before I go to bed, I either lie there and make up stories or I lie there and make up stories while listening to a soundtrack of some sort. Its like I experience a movie while falling asleep. But its hard to keep them all in and remember them without writing them down. Usually I would just write them, but I kind of need feedback because I want to perfect my writing so I can have a more fun time coming up with them and living them in my mind. Some will be pretty retarded, others totally not understandable, and some alright. But, whatever they are, they are a part of me and most always have an underlying message. Hope you Enjoy! http://shortstories-c.blogspot.com/
ps. If you wouldnt mind giving me some feedback if you would like, or just have fun reading.

If only it were so

We went to the ward in Oakley (visiting Richard's family here) and I was struck by their humility. Some didnt pronounce words right, they talked about their beloved pigs, praying for their crops to grow so that they would have enough to live and provide for their families, telling about how their spouse had gotten excommicated from the church and their divorce, and so many other things that you dont hear about everyday. The thing was, that all of them were so meek and humble, sweet and down to earth. I left the building wanting to move there, live with the poor and simple of the world because those people are the people that truly love and truly live. I know that of course they are just like any people who make mistakes, but they seem to understand what makes life worth living. Just the simple things in life. The sun in the sky, the ground on which we tread, the food that we may buy or grow in their case. It makes me want to buy a piece of land here, make my own farm, and just live as we once did long ago. There are times when I ache to live in the hills somewhere between washington and Idaho. The vast expanse of nothing, totally removed from the busy lights and loud noises of the cities. There are no shopping malls, there are no cars honking, no sign of human life. I want to build my own house, small and modest, and live off the land, in the middle of no where. We as humans have been doing it for centuries, why do we feel that we must change that? Become some higher more removed being that does not appreciate the raw land and the feeling of dirt on our hands and the aching of our backs after working so hard to plant a harvest. How about just living within our means? No more credit cards, shopping sprees where we buy more clothes than we have need, where we dont even know how to cook our own food. Its sad, and it almost gives me a headache just seeing how we have removed ourselves so much from where we should be.
What I wouldnt give to wake up before the sun, wrap my self up in an old wollen jacket, pull up my pants and walk into the faint light of the dawn with bare feet, feeling the soil welcome me with its tender touch. I would love to grab a hoe with my worn hands and work the ground until my body aches from the physical strain, feel the sweat roll down my body, feeling the warmth of the fiery sun. Then, after the day has been filled with labor and hard work I make my way into my home and sit on my couch and sip some soup and hear the fire crackeling. Read a book, relax, then fall into the embrace of a welcomed slumber. What I wouldnt give for such a life. I cant say I would need much else.

Roller Coaster Ride

I remember my first real intense roller coaster ride. The ride that I knew would make me pee my pants, terrified my every nerve, I squealed just looking at it. I was with my old friends and my boyfriend at the time at seven peaks in Utah. I watched him and the rest of the gang go on the roller coaster as i watched on a bench and I felt safe yet unsatisfied. They got off all wound up and telling me that it was great, yet I was still too afraid.... but when they came back I asked my boyfriend timidly if he wanted to go on the roller coaster again. He said 'Of course!!".
We went but when we were being taken slowly to the top of ride (before you go plummeting down to death and destruction) I began to freak out. It was like I suddenly realized what a horrible mistake I had made. I began to whimper and cling onto my ex and he began to sing. I never knew that a song in such a terrible tradgey (or how I saw it in that moment) would calm me so much. For some reason it gave me the courage enough to enjoy the horrendous dip and the spining around and around and at one point actually laugh out of blissful joy and utter fear.
Now the reason I relate this certain snippit of my life is to describe how I am feeling right now. I am venturing off back into BYU-Idaho where I am looking to do very well in my classes, create very good healthy freindships, and hopefully HOPEFULLY not dissapoint myself again and graduate with a smile on my face and my heart swelling with joy. I want to prove that I am intelligent not to anyone else but myself. I dont care what people think, I havent ever really. I care what I think. And if I think I am not doing well I feel terrible with myself. I have gotten so sad mostly when I am doing things I know deep down are wrong. And letting myself down by not applying myself to school is one of those dissapointments.
SO, with all things considering, I feel as if I am back at the begining of that roller coaster ride, squeeling and begging for someone to get me off and back safetly on the ground. Yet, I know that within seconds I may be shouting for joy and laughing estacticly. A new apartment, I have NO idea who my roomates will be, no money, trying to be the best person I can, taking a chance/risking failing again, and facing the terrible feeling of being in a freaking singles ward again. uggg. I think Im going to wear my CTR ring on my left hand on my ring finger just to take myself off the meat market and away from the gross scary snivvling guys that have no idea who I am and just think Im just another girl who thinks of nothing but her outfit she chose that morning. I dearly want to go on a mission and I dont just say that because I am not married or dating someone. Even when I was engaged I wanted to go on a mission. I am not one of those kinds of people who always wants someone to fufill my life for me. I actually do better alone. Probably not the best thing to say but its true...I get weird when I start dating someone or I like them. I do things I would never normally do. I act crazy and just plain nuts. I dont know why, I just do. I hopefully I get over it, but maybe i'll just be a crazy old cat lady.
Want to hear my plans?
I graduate college with my degree in english creative writing. I work for a bit, save enough money for a camper, buy a cute little puppy, call him something cute and endearing, load up all my stuff, and go on a road trip that lasts for two years. I find a quaint town and settle down, become a librarian and write a book.
Thats my dream. of course I always dream of being a mother. I always have I always will. Children are the sweetest dear little things. Innocence that proves that everyone of us has innocence, sweetness that we may forget. Anyways..I have always wanted to care for children, hold them tight, whisper in their small little ears that I love them with all my heart. That they will never become anything that I couldnt love. Cuddle with them, sing them songs, play blocks with them for hours on end, make forts with them and battle invisible yet very scary orcs that come snarlling and growling at us from the deep forests. I want to dance till we collapse on the ground, make yummy treats that we drool over and at the end of the day feel their sweaty heads on my chest as I sing songs quietly rocking them peacefully to sleep. That, my dear friend, is my heaven.
well, I know that no sane person as read all that I have written but I think I typed myself out. I am watching Youve Got Mail and I should go to bed. I always stay up too late and sleep in way too late. Oh if only Love were like in the movies, books and story tales. yet, I know that that kind of love only happens to few. My mom and dad, my sister and her husband, and my best friend. And thats alright with me. thats just fine with me. How sad, ive become a bloody skeptic in my old age.