Squishy Oatmeal

Okay so this is not the kind of poem that ryhmms or anything, but its the kind that I write so..yup

The morning comes creeping in
with deceiving light and shrouded sun.
My blankets hold me tight against the mattress
But I fight
and land on my feet
Dazed;
hair reaching towards the sky.

Stumbling;
I am a Frankenstein-ish creation
The clock is disapproving
Walking out into the kitchen
I see that my t-shirt extends
past my shorts.
It looks like I have no pants.
I laugh;
my poor roommates.

My oatmeal refuses to cook,
burning its bottom on the pot.
But I flop,
reclined in the recliner
and
eat the unburnt oatmeal.
Honey sweetened, it melts down my throat.

Tip-a-tee-tap of the keyboard
Silence:
broken by an occasional singsong of my phone.
Homework gnaws religiously at the back of my mind.
My running shoes are poised in my closet.
Yet,
I sit here,
adhered to plushy fabric
Eating squishy oatmeal
I wonder...
How much time am I wasting?


I laugh again.

So badly

I lay in my bed
content but wanting
skin bare and cold
snuggled in my blankets
feeling a claw clamp on my heart;
digging with poison of loneliness.

I close my eyes
I imagine your arms around me
I wish it so deeply
I want it so badly.

When will my heart be able to find a home
amidst all this turmoil and distress?

meu caro, my dear

I need a place to lay my head
and rest.

I close my eyes
I imagine your arms around me
I wish it so deeply
I want it so badly.

I need you closer than you are now
I need to feel your breath on my neck;
to smell your shirts.
I want to bury myself in your chest;
never to leave.

There is a place ive saved for you
no one has taken.
mon cher, my dear,
hold me as close as you can
and i'll always stay.

without you im only half.
A shore without the ocean.
a night sky with no stars
a weary head without a pillow
white piano keys without the ebony.

mi querido, my dear,
hold me with your warm arms
kiss me tenderly
soft lips and soft eyes.
The sun will be brighter
and the world will be brilliant.

Your ghost lies beside me
I feel warmer with your thought
I feel safer knowing you exist;
sleeping and dreaming.
I just wish I knew who you were.

I close my eyes
I imagine your arms around me
I wish it so deeply
I want it so badly.

Someday we will be in bliss
wrapped in joy.
There wont be need to need
I will rock your world
and you will rock mine.

poor little egg....

whew. You ever get that buzz from staying up too late? i got that. I don't regret it though :)
Last night I had some crazy dreams and I woke up TOTALLY happy that they weren't real. I LOVE that feeling. When I woke up I was in a pretty good mood, singing Bob Marley songs pretty loud as I snarfed down a baked potato. Yum. I love potatoes. Probably more than I should. haha I can hear my boiling egg bouncing around in my pot. I feel so inhumane...its like its begging me to free him from a slow and painful death. yikes, thats kind of morbid. Its more like he's dancing! Cant wait for me to eat him! :D hahaha
Im wearing my yellow shirt so I feel pretty chipper today. Im super nervous for tongith because for our ward's talent show I decided to play the piano. Im feeling pretty retarded because there are MILLIONS of people a whole lot better than me, I just like playing in front of people because it gets me all excited and I can really get into my song. I also like practicing before because its like a goal I have. so yea....i dont really care if I mess up or not, im just excited to play like old times.
You know, I realized that I dance like all of the time. I dance when there is no music, when there is, with people, and without. My mom told me that when I was little and they put on any kind of music Id start shaking my hips, whether I seemed to mean to or not. They would do it on purpose to watch what I would do. Sometimes I would try not to, but I could never restrain myself for long. hahaha I think thats funny because I still do that. I go to the store and I hear a song on the radio and I start dancing in the isles, totally oblivious to the fact that I most likely look pretty silly. oh well. hahaha
im going to go eat my egg now. ta ta

Going on a mission

I am SO excited and nervous and mixed up in emotions right now.

So...I realized that I can start working on my mission papers!! :D I'm sooooo excited! I have a meeting with the bishop this Sunday to talk about it because I have NO idea what I have to do. Its such an exciting prospect, but a part of me is very nervous that I wont be a good effective missionary. I prayed about it recently to help me not to be too nervous and last night I was reading in Alma 26 and it was very comforting when I read in verse 27 : ".. and bear with patience thine afflictions, and I will give unto you success" talking about how Ammon and his friends converted all of the lamanites that were bloodthirsty and pretty nasty before they were converted. I love the stories about Ammon and his brethern because it shows that when people put the Lord first in their life they become great couragous people. (like when the "anti-nephi-lehites" let the lamanites kill them as they knelt praying to God) It helped me realize that to be a good missionary you dont have to be an amazing person, you just have to trust in the Lord, be humble, love the people you teach, and serve them and everyone. Heavenly father will support me and guide me. I dont want to be pushy because I think that everyone has a right to their beliefs as I do to mine. If someone wants to listen to me then I will be glad because then I know that they can come to a knowledge that I have that brings me sooo much joy.

The reasons I want to be a missionary:
1. I can serve people 24/7
2. Becoming closer to the Lord
3. Tell people of wonderful things
4. Watch people change
5. Become more responsible
6. Help bring joy into people's lives
7. Spread the gospel that families can be together forever, that we are so loved by our Heavenly father, that Christ sacrificed his life for us and that he can make our lives filled with joy, and that we can grow and become great.


Some people believe that Mormons are pushy, and some are, but most of us respect other people's views. (Gordan B. Hinkley our past prophet encourages us to treat all views, creeds, and religions with respect) The only reason why some become very zealous is because they want to share their joy with others. I also want to be a missionary because then I can also get to know other churches. My brother in law, before he want on a mission, studied a lot of other churches so that he could understand how they believed and so that he could show that he respect their beliefs. I thought that is cool and I really want to do that. Everyone has some truth. I want to learn more about Buddhists and Muslims.

Secret found

So this morning my roommate, Kristina, popped in a movie called 'The secret'. It was a book first, then apparently they made a movie about it. It was more of a supplement to the book. I have never read it, but it was very interesting.
One of the things that it said was to visualize and imagine what it would be like to have your dreams to come true. They talked about having a dream board where you post pictures of the things that you wanted. (I highly recommend watching this movie. I haven't read the book so I cant recommend it until I have read it.) They said that it was good to focus on things that you want, things that are good in life, instead of things that you dont want to happen because you then focus on the negative. So, instead of saying "I dont want to be poor." you say "I want to be prosperous." Instead of "I dont want to fail my classes." say: " I want to get good grades." I think its a great idea!

I am now in the mood to kick butt! :) hahaha well, more like my own butt into gear.
Its nice to hear that when you focus on the positive, positive things happen. It makes sense because, for example, when you focus on something with your eyes as you walk, you start to veer towards the thing you are looking at. The mind has more power than I think we would like to admit.

So, after watching this movie, I decided that I would write down the things that I want in my life.

1. To do good in school
2. To find the man of my dreams and fall in madly in love.
3. To be a good and loving wife
4. To be a caring mother
5. To be kind to everyone
6. To find the good things in life
7. Always provide for my children
8. Be active
9. Become smart/wise
10.Always be devoted to Heavenly Father
11. Be a good example to my children
12. Be a loving awesome grandma
13. Always serve my husband
14. Appreciate what I have
15. Use my talents to help others in their lives
16. Pay back my debts from school
17. Somehow unit people of all faiths and creeds
18. Discover something amazing.
19. Learn to paint


These are only some. But today, after I am finished writing it, I am going to make my first 'Dream board' and try and find pictures of the things that I want in my life. Its nice to know that I have the power to make my life whatever I want it to be. The secret is: Its all inside me. This is where I will be. Not sure when, but it doesnt matter, because it will happen and I am so excited :)

Jerks that don't understand

So, I was sitting on my couch about to get up and check on my laundry when my roomate, Candice, returned home from her trip to a store downtown. I dont really admonish her because im being distracted, but then I hear that she starts to talk. I tear my eyes from my book, and I realize that she is shaking.
"I was just at the store and I was squating down and this guy looks over and turns to his buddy next to him and whispers 'ugly'."
I freeze. Her eyes are getting wide.
"I didnt know what to do so I just stormed out of there." Her eyes are tearing up. "I mean, what kind of jerk says something like that?"
Im gaping, totally and completely shocked.
"They are such jerks!" with that declaration, crying hard, she stomps out of the room and goes into her room.
"What the heck!?" I cry out.
Wrapping myself up in my comforter, I follow her into the room.
She is standing with her back to the door when I first walk in but I know she is crying because her back is hunched and I hear her quiet sobs.
"Candice, Are you okay?" I ask, so horrified by what she just I cant seem to think straight.
"I just can't see why someone would say that!" she cries, shaking and wiping her tears.
"Alright, you give me a good description of this...(I refrain myself from going into explitives) man and I am going to hunt him down and give him a little swift kick." And sadly, I am seriously thinking about it.
She laughs between her sobs.
"Come here candice." I outstrech my arms so when she hugs me we are both covered in my bright orange comforter. I want so badly to make her feel better; I hold her tightly.

Let me just say one thing. Any (*&%(*$#@&@#*8 who thinks that is all right needs to never have children. I was so tempted to go find these guys and yell at them and teach them a lesson, but I guess youve got to be the bigger person. Let me just say one thing, if you make anyone that I care about feel bad, that is one way to get on my bad side, and thats hard to do. I rarely dont like people. You mess with them, you mess with me, and although I am pretty even tempered dont underestimate my ability to stand up for others. Luckily I havent had to do it very often. But I have enough passion to make anyone sorry that they were so low to think that walking over people is okay. Grow up.

Sentements of a girl suffering a concussion.

Two things:
Reading the Ensign (church magazine) I was humbled by such amazing people that have such faith. There is a woman who is blind, but she is amazingly awesome. It made me want to be like her (when I grow up..;) ) There was another article about prayer and it made me realize that in my own life whenever I needed help with ANYTHING Heavenly Father was there. Even if it was "Heavenly father, I spaced again. Could you help me find my keys?" I bet he chuckles everytime I get on my knees. He probably says to himself and the angels up there "haha whose gonna guess she lost something again? Silly Caitlin." He's got to have a sense of humor. Seriously, he gave me this mind and gave me this face, he's got to have a sense of humor. haha jk. I like my face.

Heres the other thing (cuz I said "two things:..") I think I jossled my brain too much...I hit my head on some people when I was sledding today. It was terribly funny but terribly painful. After I mowed some people down I was looking around, dazed, "Is anyone hurt? Im so sorry, are you okay?" They looked at me like a crazy person. "dude, are YOU okay?" hahaha I loved it though, it was epic. I love sledding. I just want to apologize, I cant seem to think at all right now, I most likely will go rambling on some random subject that makes no sense AT all.

So.............................................................

ummm............................................................
haha periods look cool when you do just press down on the keys..........................................weee....................................................
Okay, I need to go to sleep...I might start REALLY making a fool out of myself.

ps.
dont be stupid about your body. Its an amazing gift. If your bigger than other people just do all you can (exercise reasonably and eat healthy. ) but be grateful for who you are. Seriously, not to be cheesy, but your amazingly beautiful the way you are. If your a girl and you dont get a lot of guys asking you guys out, count yourself lucky. Most guys are pretty shallow and the last thing you want is some guy only wanting you for your body. You'll find someone who appreciates you for who you are.
I dont mean to be graphic but one time I was looking at myself in the mirror and I began to think. Dang, I love my body! hahaha sounds like Im full of myself, but Im not. I am full of gratitude that I HAVE a body. Heavenly father loves me so much that he gave me these little hands that can type how I feel. He gave me these hands so that I could hold a deliscous apple. He gave me my wonderful arms so I could hold those I love and try and show them that I care. He gave me these eyes, which may be legally deemed as blind without contacts, but I am able to see. Theyre blue, and theyre mine. He gave me my tiny little feet so that I could run seven miles. He gave me toes so that I could be amused by their silliness. He gave me a stomach so that I could eat wonderful glorious food! He gave me my hair, though it may be blonde and I wish it were black, it still is wonderful and I can make it look pretty and feminine. He gave me a laugh so that I could enjoy myself. He gave me a mouth so I could smile. He gave me lips so that I could kiss tenderly to show effection. He gave me a heart so that I could live. A mind to think, a tounge to taste. I am so eternally grateful. I am not skinny, I am not fat. I am just me. I dont want to be smaller than I should be, and I dont want to be bigger either. I just want to be healthy and happy. I want to take care of this beautiful body my dear Heavenly Father gave me. My heart brims with joy. I wish that I could show people what I see when I see them. Girls or boys who may be bigger (even if they are healthy or if they are just made that way) that they are beautiful. They really are! Everyone has their own beauty. Im not trying to be insanely cheesy, its really how I think and how I see them. Gawl, I just wish I could hug them, take their face in my hands and take away their pain. I imagine that all the time. Not in a weird stalker way, it just helps me when I dont know what else to do and if Im too shy to actually say something.

Anyways, What I am trying to say is appreciate your body. Keep it healthy, dont think that if you are skinny you will be happy. Skinny people still arent happy. You can be happy in any circumstance you are in. You just need to realize that. You hold the key to your own happiness. Your actions decide that. Im not lecturing. haha at least I dont mean to. :)
let me tell you something, if you pray tonight Heavenly father will bless you. Wether your muslim, protestant, mormon, jewish, Heavenly father loves to hear from all his children. He's just waiting to bless you. I know he loves me, and I know he loves everyone else. Thanks to Christ, I have a smile on my face or in my heart always. life is AMAZING!!
Big hug! :)

Sleepy night thoughts

It's cold outside. New news? (ha, same word) Its not new if you've lived in Rexburg longer than a week. :) But, as disgustingly cold as it is outside, its gorgeous and peaceful. I got sometime to sit outside tonight and see the snow drifting from the sky. The sky is full of little angels; dust from the heaven.
We are watching a BBC movie, its pretty amusing. British people (in the past) were pretty crazy. More into snide remarks that are "under the radar" while us Americans are generally pretty blunt. Maybe its just the times. I dont know.
Blah.
My mind wont stay on one subject.
I think its been frazzled.
You know what I need that would cure this little spell of an inability to think straight. that would be to read!! To read a book that is rich in thought and emotions that I would surely hear my poor little voice once again. For some reason that always helps.
So, the place that I am going to live in next semester reminds me of Sherlock holmes. Dont ask me why but the essence of his tactful brows and his unattached calculating voice seemed to echo as I stepped down into the living room. Whether it was the green old fashioned couches, or the stuffiness of age that made me think of him, it was AMAZING. I am in love with Sherlock holmes. If he were alive today, id be his side kick. I would never dream that he would find any romantic interest in me, and neither would I find one in him; it would be father daughter sort of relationship. I would be with him in every exertion (of course without being a pill of course). I really miss the black and white videos that I watched of Sherlock holmes.( Basil Rathbone as Sherlock) Oh what a stud. ;)
Anyways,
The morning creeps ever closer and I am sleepier than an ox. (if oxen were sleeppy) I might fall asleep on the couch tonight because I feel like falling asleep to the sound of the T.V. and my roomates hustling and bustling.
Good night world. Good night all. :) sleep well.

Old people lovin'

Do you ever wonder if you'll always be alone? Do you ever wonder if your just not cut out to have a wonderful relationship that other people seem to have with ease? Sure, everyone dreams of when they find "the one" or whatever, but I am starting to lose my zeal.

Whats wrong with being a lone? maybe i'll get married when I am 50 to a nice old man at some retirement home. That couldn't be so bad. Our dates could consist of bingo and making cookies with the young women of the ward. Whats the harm in that? Maybe thats what I'll look forward to. Right now, being alone yet happy, I'm going to work on trying really hard not to give in to the sultry voice of pizza that seems to want to lure me into haveing a heart attach or extra chins if I find the desire for a few extra. Oh bother.
ps. I just want to skip the whole dating and marrying part and have kids. Kids are awesome. They want to do things that I want to do, like build blocks and play with legos. Maybe i'll just grow up and adopt and then get married at "Sherwood assisted living." (old folks home in Sequim)

Temptation

I am tempted to get down on myself because I feel less than I should. I am very tempted to write about how I envisioned myself this afternoon (a wicked old witch in the shape of a young girl) but...I will give myself some slack. Instead, I'll tell you about my walk home from "Personal Health and Wellness" class. The side walk is all cleared but on the sides of it, where the grass would be thriving, there are hills of snow. Poking out of the top of one mounds I saw a sign "do not step on grass, newly planted seeds." (or something close to that) I grimaced, looking at all of the snow that most likely killed all of the seeds and thought how foolish the sign was. Poor little seeds. ( I also laughed a bit at how ironic it was...) :)