Roller Coaster Ride

I remember my first real intense roller coaster ride. The ride that I knew would make me pee my pants, terrified my every nerve, I squealed just looking at it. I was with my old friends and my boyfriend at the time at seven peaks in Utah. I watched him and the rest of the gang go on the roller coaster as i watched on a bench and I felt safe yet unsatisfied. They got off all wound up and telling me that it was great, yet I was still too afraid.... but when they came back I asked my boyfriend timidly if he wanted to go on the roller coaster again. He said 'Of course!!".
We went but when we were being taken slowly to the top of ride (before you go plummeting down to death and destruction) I began to freak out. It was like I suddenly realized what a horrible mistake I had made. I began to whimper and cling onto my ex and he began to sing. I never knew that a song in such a terrible tradgey (or how I saw it in that moment) would calm me so much. For some reason it gave me the courage enough to enjoy the horrendous dip and the spining around and around and at one point actually laugh out of blissful joy and utter fear.
Now the reason I relate this certain snippit of my life is to describe how I am feeling right now. I am venturing off back into BYU-Idaho where I am looking to do very well in my classes, create very good healthy freindships, and hopefully HOPEFULLY not dissapoint myself again and graduate with a smile on my face and my heart swelling with joy. I want to prove that I am intelligent not to anyone else but myself. I dont care what people think, I havent ever really. I care what I think. And if I think I am not doing well I feel terrible with myself. I have gotten so sad mostly when I am doing things I know deep down are wrong. And letting myself down by not applying myself to school is one of those dissapointments.
SO, with all things considering, I feel as if I am back at the begining of that roller coaster ride, squeeling and begging for someone to get me off and back safetly on the ground. Yet, I know that within seconds I may be shouting for joy and laughing estacticly. A new apartment, I have NO idea who my roomates will be, no money, trying to be the best person I can, taking a chance/risking failing again, and facing the terrible feeling of being in a freaking singles ward again. uggg. I think Im going to wear my CTR ring on my left hand on my ring finger just to take myself off the meat market and away from the gross scary snivvling guys that have no idea who I am and just think Im just another girl who thinks of nothing but her outfit she chose that morning. I dearly want to go on a mission and I dont just say that because I am not married or dating someone. Even when I was engaged I wanted to go on a mission. I am not one of those kinds of people who always wants someone to fufill my life for me. I actually do better alone. Probably not the best thing to say but its true...I get weird when I start dating someone or I like them. I do things I would never normally do. I act crazy and just plain nuts. I dont know why, I just do. I hopefully I get over it, but maybe i'll just be a crazy old cat lady.
Want to hear my plans?
I graduate college with my degree in english creative writing. I work for a bit, save enough money for a camper, buy a cute little puppy, call him something cute and endearing, load up all my stuff, and go on a road trip that lasts for two years. I find a quaint town and settle down, become a librarian and write a book.
Thats my dream. of course I always dream of being a mother. I always have I always will. Children are the sweetest dear little things. Innocence that proves that everyone of us has innocence, sweetness that we may forget. Anyways..I have always wanted to care for children, hold them tight, whisper in their small little ears that I love them with all my heart. That they will never become anything that I couldnt love. Cuddle with them, sing them songs, play blocks with them for hours on end, make forts with them and battle invisible yet very scary orcs that come snarlling and growling at us from the deep forests. I want to dance till we collapse on the ground, make yummy treats that we drool over and at the end of the day feel their sweaty heads on my chest as I sing songs quietly rocking them peacefully to sleep. That, my dear friend, is my heaven.
well, I know that no sane person as read all that I have written but I think I typed myself out. I am watching Youve Got Mail and I should go to bed. I always stay up too late and sleep in way too late. Oh if only Love were like in the movies, books and story tales. yet, I know that that kind of love only happens to few. My mom and dad, my sister and her husband, and my best friend. And thats alright with me. thats just fine with me. How sad, ive become a bloody skeptic in my old age.