Sunday, September 27, 2009

Fun Fun Saturday!

Okay, so I can't keep this in. My husband is soooo cute and so sweet! Today we went to IF to go shopping for him because we realized we had some extra money to spare. When he told me this I was all excited because he told me that I could buy an ipod that Ive been keeping my eye on. Its a great deal (129 or so for a 16 gb ipod) and he was so sweet about it because he kept telling me how excited he was to get me it. But then, I started thinking, and I came to realize that he had been talking about how he wanted new shoes. I looked at his shoes and they had holes in them, his shirts had holes in them and he wore the same four shirts all of the time. Here he was willing to buy me an ipod I didnt need instead of him getting clothes he really needed.
Because of that I started to tell him that instead of the ipod we were going to get stuff for him. That was when I first realized what he had been doing for so long. I would say that I wanted something and without him saying anything he would buy me the thing but inside he had been planing on buying something else but sacrificed it for me. As soon as I realized this I took him aside at a store and told him, in my very forceful stubborn way "We are buying you some new and nice looking stuff for you, no matter what you say. We are not buying me the ipod so you have about 100 dollars or so." He started by protesting that I really wanted the ipod and it was no big deal, but I insisted. It was also then that I realized that he would be so quiet and sweet about things that I would start to forget about my resolve. For example: We walked into target and I saw a cute shirt with a jack-o-lantern on it and started talking about how cute it was, not really realizing what I was saying. He said "well, why dont we get it? You think its cute and it would look cute on you." I started to get all excited about it but then I turned and pointed at him"YOU! You....You sly dog you! Today is all about you and we are not buying anything for me. You are pretty tricky you know?" he only laughed sheepishly and replied "Well, I would much rather buy you things and make you happy than buy things for me." It made me realize, as I do so many times, he is one of the most sweetest people I know.
Luckily, I am just as stubborn, or more so, as he so by the end of the night we had successfully bought three nice shirts, undershirts/garments, two jackets, and a pair of shoes. I wish we had gotten more but we ran out of time and resources. The cutest thing was when we got home. Of course he started helping me unload the groceries but I shooed him away and told him he needed to look at his new stuff because I could tell he was excited. He hurried and began to put his clothes and shoes on and started walking around the house, looking in a mirror, and acting like he was trying on his clothes for back-to-school, like high school or something. I thought it was the cutest thing. I loved seeing him so excited. He kept thanking me over and over again because the last time he spent a legit amount of money on himself (clothes wise) was senior year in high school! It was the funnest thing ever. He is so sweet and so cute, it was such a blast to spend the whole day with him and follow him and be his human clothing holder/fashion consultant. It was awesome! :D

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Marriage, good or ill?

Marriage: One of the most daunting words I had ever heard before I actually was married.
I had heard many mixed responses from people when I asked the question "How do you like being married?" I asked it over and over to anyone I met that was married. I got answers like "Its really hard, sometimes I wonder if its worth it." or "Its wonderful! The best thing ever!" or "Its hard work but its worth it." or "Stay single as loooong as you can." or "Marriage is alright. Its no big deal I guess." It baffled me, how can one question have so many different answers?
I have discovered that it is the same as beauty, it is all in the eye of the beholder. In the first weeks it was blissful and I wondered "how could anyone tell me that marriage was so bad?" Then people would tell me "your still in the honeymoon faze, you will soon hate each other." or "The first few months were terrible! If you make it after two your good to go." We have been married for about two months now, almost three. My conclusion? Unchanged. It is all about what you want to see it as.
If someone were to ask me what marriage was like, first I would tell them I am biased because I have only been married three months. Second, I would say that it all depends on the person. For me, it is amazing, the most wonderful thing I could ever have imagined. Why? Not in spite of hard work, some misunderstandings, rough times, or disagreements, but because of them. I want to liken it to a hobby. For me its writing, or running, or baking, or painting. The process is difficult, but it is so worth it because I enjoy the process as well as the finished product. I would not enjoy running as much as I do if it were easy. I like it because I am challenged, because when I feel my muscles screaming "STOP!!" I push past it, I feel a sense of triumph when I do not give in to my weakness. Same as when I am painting. I come to a road block, it looks dumb or I think that the colors dont look right. I hear "GIVE UP!!", but I dont, I press on because its all about what I will end up with after my toils. It is the same as marriage, you work hard for things to be good. It isnt good on its own, it can't flourish without watering, it needs attention, care, and love.
For me, I wouldn't want to marry into a perfect marriage with the perfect guy. Why? Because I am not perfect. I would feel uncomfortable, left behind, or even more insecure. But, because I married a man who is maturing, with a constantly maturing relationship, I can feel comfortable because I too am flawed, but progressing. (At least I hope) Its all about your perspective. Nothing that is of worth does not have some kind of work in it, whether it be ongoing or in the past or future, everything has work in it. Work is probably the golden word of the universe. Work is amazing, but sometimes difficult. But as I said before, without the difficult it would no longer be worth it. A diamond takes a very long time to come into existence, and because of that fact it is of so much worth.
To those contemplating marriage, marriage is only wonderful when you find the person that you can truly be yourself with and that helps you grow. Dont settle. I didn't and I knew that I didn't have to, I knew that if I just stayed with it I would find a man that was both my best friend and my dream lover. I am happy to say that yes, he is mortal. He does make mistakes, but I love him not in spite of his faults, but because of his faults. I think he is adorable when he makes a mistake and when he accidentally says something that may hurt my feelings I know that he does not mean to and that he loves me. I am very very very very very very very very very very very VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY lucky to have him in my life, to bless me with his adoring attitude, with his selflessness, with his kindness, with his honesty, with his loyalty, with his faith, with his fun, with his attractiveness, with his forgiveness, with his patience, with his physical touch, with his wisdom, with his intelligence, with his dreams, and with his aspirations. I cannot live without him. I do not want to. But, at the same time I know that if he were gone (which tears me apart to think about) I know that I could live a full life because of the lessons he taught me, because of his faith in me, and because of him inspiring me from all of his big dreams. I could not have asked for a better man. Looking back at all of the men that I dated, he surpasses them all with flying colors. I am just so grateful that #1. I waited. #2. I didnt settle #3. I was able to go to the temple with him to be able to be with him forever. #4. that he, for some odd reason, finds that I am worth his time, effort, and love.
My advice? To the already married who may not be satisfied: Serve. I noticed that if I am ever cranky or not feeling my best, whenever I serve Jake things are so much better because he is happy. If he is happy, then it bleeds into my attitude. To the single and searching: hang in there, but don't be so picky and expect someone perfect. Just look for "just right for you", Not Mr. Right/Mr. Perfect, but Mr. right for me. Jake is perfect for me, but not for every girl (thank heavens). And don't expect marriage to be horrible because then it will be, expect hard work but WONDERFUL results.
Marriage is a dying cause. The reason? I believe it is because of our selfish and anti-work society that has pumped us full as "make yourself happy first" or "you shouldnt have to work so hard." and such. Try and look past that. If you do things will most likely become better.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Life only comes once, why complain the whole way?


So recently I found out something about my body that I didnt really like. At first I was alright with it but then I was slowly taken in to self pity and mini-despair. I was bitter for the things that I would have to give up, simple pleasures that I had indulged in many times. Someone told me that I could not do what I always enjoyed doing, telling me what I could and could not do, and I became angry. I wanted to say that no one can tell me what to do, I didn't even deserve it. I had taken so good of my body, so much better than so many other people, and here I was suffering for what? While other people snacked on chips, my snack was a bag of fresh spinach. Really? What had I done? So why can every other person eat whatever they like and be okay, and here I am making sure that I never have a problem and I am the one who gets screwed. Is life ever fair?

Then, I went to a concert and as I was listening to the beautiful music, watching the conductor swaying and leaping about to the music I looked across the front row and saw a young man who I knew was blind. His head was tilted to the side, listening intently, yet not seeing the source of the beautiful sounds. As Jake and I were leaving he was behind us so Jake tried to hold the door open for him but somehow got in his way and bumped him. He mumbled a sorry and walked off with his white stick flying fiercely back and forth. Then a thought suddenly came to my mind. "how dare I complain."  I looked up into Jakes smiling face, his sparkling blue eyes, and I could see him, I reached up and touched his back; I could feel him. As we walked I looked down at my legs, I was able to walk on my own. As we left the building my breath was caught in my chest as I saw that the blue sky had been burnt by a fiery sunset, glowing pinks and searing reds: bright and majestic "I  have every reason to be thankful". 

As I watched a girl push herself in her wheel chair, two very small and useless legs dangling over the edge, I couldnt help but think of all of the things that I take for granted. I have no reason to complain or to feel sorry for myself. So what I got a hiccup in my life, so what? Now I have to eat healthy. I think thats a great thing. Its hard at the beginning especially when you feel so alone and different from everyone else, but all of this has been such great blessings. Going through this little mini hard thing has helped me realize that: number one, complaining doesn't help anything or anyone; Second, there is always someone who has it worst than you; third, having a Job attitude will get you a long way; Fourth, usually the hardships of today are blessings of tomorrow when you finally realize why you had them and what they have given to you. 

Now, because of my little problem, I want to do more with my life and I want to reach out to people who may have any troubles. I really want to be a nutritionist and help society become more aware of health problems and help us be more healthy. I just want to make a difference for someone. I dont know how I can, but I really want to. I just want to stop saying "I." Is there a way to help anyone in a meaningful way? A life cannot really be enjoyed unless it is spent finding joy in other people's joy. Life is just not worth living if you only looked after yourself.

Friday, June 12, 2009

"I am in love with a boy"



I am in love with a boy

He's the one 
the one I wanted

When I knelt beside my bed
I prayed for a man
who was kind and loving 

He heard me. 

Now I have a boy

Who is more like a man
Who is more like my best friend

His smile is brighter than sunshine

his love is more warm than its rays.

He is my love
he is my boy
He is my joy 

when I know that he is coming 
my heart flutters
my stomach jumps

I am in love with a boy

Whenever he holds me my heart is healed
when he kisses me I melt
when he touches me he saves me
when he sings to me I am flying

My eyes sparkle, and my dreams come true.
He carries me higher as he flies with his cape,
my hero today
my hero forever. 

I live nothing less than a dream
nothing less than a miracle. 

Im starting my life 
with the man of my dreams.
Team Ballentine forever.

I am in love with a boy. 

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Tell me something I didnt know. ps. Bring it on diabetes


So today I went to the doctor because my stomach has been feeling really crappy lately. He helped me out a bunch to tell me I needed to flush out my system because I have some stool backed up in my intestines. (poop) ;) sorry, Im not shy about this stuff. Everyone does it right? ;) anyways, its not constipation, but its pretty dangerous. (if you dont treat it right away toxins and bacteria seep into your bloodstream and you die.) I had to drink this NASTY stuff . Yuck.


Anyways, before I left I asked him a question I have been wondering for a while. I LOVE food, for other reasons other than it tasting good. I seem to be always hungry. When I go without eating I will get really sick (dizzy, cranky, tired, my head starts hurting and I almost pass out). I asked him what that meant and he said I most likely have Hypoglycemia. He said that if it goes unchecked and if I dont make some changes or whatever I will become diabetic later on. (After I become pregnant or something) He said id have to watch the weight because of it. But the thing is that I kind of had a sinking feeling that I had Hypoglycemia for a long time. I realized that my reaction to food was much different than normal people's so I researched it and came to this realization. 
So, anyways, he told me that I needed to come in for a test that is going to take 5 hours. Yuck. I have a feeling that it will be blood taking the whole time. If you dont know me then I cant really describe to you in writing how much I hate getting my blood drawn. I cry, even now that I am 20, every time they do it. I get emotional, which I try to control because I have no reason to be, but its hard for me. I get really shaky. 
But yea, that was my day today. It was pretty nuts. Now I cant eat sugar and stuff, I gotta watch what I eat and make sure that I am extra healthy so that maybe I wont get diabetes. If I do then I guess it could suck, but you know, its not the end of the world. And so what I have to watch what I eat? I love healthy food so it wont be much of a problem for me. ;) Im not really that torn up about it, but its quite a change (even if I did know that I had it all along). 
There is one thing I know for sure, I love love love love love doctors. I mean the people can be whatever but I am so grateful for modern medicine. It saved my life today ;) 


Monday, June 8, 2009

25 cent cookie, million dollar lesson




I never really explained my last entry. That was just an assignment for class and I just wanted to share it. :) You know whats funny? I am having a hard time forming words because I was just studying french and I want to put the words in the wrong order (in english) and start writing things that would make more sense in french. hehe ;) Thats a good sign I guess but it is a little bit of a hassle. 
You know, I think about things to say on this thing, things to say to try and "change the world", make it a better place, but the more that I complain about things that I see that shouldnt be, the more I realize that I am not making it any better by being a cynic or when I am on the look out for mistakes we all make in general. 
I think that the world is a wonderful place. That although we all do silly things, we all have a good heart. I like this world and I like the people in it. It was sweet, when I was running to class I saw a little boy selling cookies. I was in such a hurry that I didnt think that I would have the time to get a cookie from him but just as I passed I realized that I did have the time if I wanted to make it, and that sometimes it was best to have a little fun and brighten some kid's day. Besides, I thought to myself, if I were a kid wanting to make a little money and someone bought my store bought cookies I would be so excited. Kids are so easily pleased, why not? I mean a smile is worth much more than a mere 25 cents. But, I did feel jipped when later on in the day two young girls were doing the same thing but instead of shouting "COOKIES FOR SALE!" as the boy did, they were yelling "COOKIES FOR SALE! BUY TWO AND GET ONE FREE!" ;) well, at least they were being little entrepreneurs, you gotta give them that much. ;)

So, the lesson I learned today was that there is never too little time to do something worth while. Life brightens in color when you step outside yourself and do something you "just dont have time to do." We all have the excuse. I know I have it all the time, but I want to break the monotony and the staleness of living selfishly every moment for myself. 


Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Not afraid of being a woman.


Being a woman


I believe this whole arguement really comes down to extremes and the stubbornness of both sides limiting both parties from really participating in a life with all blessings. The women’s movement was not all bad. In the “Declaration of Sentiments” , similiar to the declaration of independence for a change of women’s rights, it states that “he [the government] has denied her the facilities for obtaining through education, all colleges being closed against her”. This was a big problem in educating women. When the government restrained such a chance it was hurting its own people because an uneducated mother will not be able to teach her children to think and to use their minds. Women’s rights gave women a chance to vote and to be equal to a man in the law, therefore proving that women, though different, have every right to participate in their government and the creation of their country. 

But, on the other side women took it too far in some aspects. When it turned to abortion and becoming a man in the workplace it turned into a war of "who wants to be a man" but not only who wants to be a man but in the topic of abortion, who wants to be the most unfeeling. For me, I appreciate some of the things that were acheived in the women’s right movement, but I am also not afriad of my own femminity. I enjoy being a women and the things that I have the chance to do because I am a women. The roles that God gave us are to nurture, love, teach, and to help govern our children with our husbands. The role of a women is every bit as important as a man’s, but I do not pretend to think that mine is any more than my husbands nor would I want to be fufill my husbands roles. 

A man’s role is to provide for his family and make sure that they are taken care of. A man’s body even bears testiment of that, he naturally having more muscule mass and the hormones to increase the size of his muscles cells. On the contrary, my body is soft and tender, made to carry and hold my children and keep them warm and emmotionally protected. There is no way would I want to be the man because his work is very demanding and if I were made to work outside of the home I know that I would not be able to provide as effectivly because I would be so emmotionally torn up because I was not fufilling my roles that have been instilled in my very soul. I WANT to be with my tender adorable children. They are the essence of innocence. I would not give up the chance to be with them always, to love and cherish them, for the world.  I have been a woman since I was created, both soul and body, and I do not wish to deny that. I find glory in my feminity, but I also see that because I am much needed on this earth I am equal in my importance as men. Together we are the yin and yang, but if I were to try and be the yang as well I would deny the blessings of my womanhood to my husband, my children, society, to myself, and most importantly to my Father in Heaven. 

I do not pretend to say that any woman who has a career is evil and manly. Some desire that more and have no other choice or may be able to do both. I am excited when I can continue to give back to society when I have the chance to become a teacher or an editor or a nutritionist (or whatever career I find most fulfilling). Its all about seeing what is most important and helpful to all. But I encourage every woman to think for themselves and question extremist of both sides, whether it be a homemaker or a women's activist. A homemaker should never be a slave and a women in society should never be treated less than she is. But dont let either side speak so loudly that you have no chance to think for yourself. 

Monday, April 20, 2009

:)


Right now Jake just fell asleep on my couch. There is a pillow propped on my legs so he can lay down. He's had a rough day. He had to get up at 3:30 am and he's had so many things to get taken care of; in short he is wiped out! It was so cute cuz just when he was falling asleep he started to snore. (He's still snoring a bit now) I giggled quietly as to not wake him. He's the sweetest most wonderful guy ever. Every time I look at him, see him, or hear him I cant believe how lucky I am. I say that all of the time but its like my mind wont wrap around it! Its like a dream! I know he's not perfect or anything, but he's such a great guy. Its so cute, we'll go out and he will become best friends to any and everyone we run across. People just love him because he genuinely cares about them. I think its so sweet. He treats people with such kindness that I am so proud to be on his arm. I just hope that I can make him as happy as he makes me. I couldn't have every dreamed of being with a better man. I actually stopped believing there was such a man like him alive. I doubted the possibility of a guy being sweet, kind, adoring, fun, funny, caring, attractive, talented, silly, smart, spiritual, hard working, thoughtful, tough, wise, deep, intelligent, friendly, all around amazing guy. I know we will have hard times, when either one or both of us get on each others nerves, but I would not want anyone else to be with me all of my life than him. I have never felt this way towards ANYONE ever. I really am blessed. And I cant really ever describe it, or give it justice. Just know that I am so happy and so incredibly lucky to have Jake in my life. 

My mosaic


I know I should be sleeping but I just saw that Mckenna tagged me to do this mosaic thing and I got way excited so I did it. haha 

1. My name. well, thats my name in Chinese. I chose that because I love different languages and its a part of me, as is my name.
2. My favorite food: fruits and veggies. I love them SO much. awww...perfect. I love snacking on a cucumber or raw broccoli. yum yum
3. My high school: thats a picture of Sequim High school. Brings a lot of memories back. 
4. My favorite color: I dont really have one, so I chose the crayons because they have every color it seems in their boxes of wonder!! 
5. The place that I am now: Idaho! Potatoes, not too shocking I chose that. Mckenna's is so much prettier but I didnt want to copy. haha
6. My favorite drink: grape juice. But I can only drink it when I am relaxing, in small amounts, or sipping straight from the bottle. Yea, I know, Im strange.
7. My dream vacation: Scotland. That is a picture of an Abbey in Iona Scotland. Id love to go there.
8. My favorite treat: Bubblegum icecream in a cone. Best of both worlds. (well, I guess all three worlds)
9. What I want to be when I grow up: A good mom and a good wife.
10. Whats most important to me: Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, and the gospel.
11. A word to describe me: I love peace. I am peaceful when I am at the peak of my happiness. I dont need to be jumping around and wooting like a lot of people (though I do a lot), if I am sitting there with a smile on my face or being giggly, I am the happiest. 
12. A nickname of mine: my dad calls me paprika because I am spicy. It makes me happy :) I would also add Coodles (my mom calls me that) but I had no idea how to add that as a picture. Coodles is not even a real word. lol

Im supposed to tag someone but I dont know who looks at this so i'll tag whomever wants to do it. Sound fair? ps. thanks kenna. I loved this :) I loved yours, it was so perfect and cute. ;) 
Here are the instructions:
Step 1: Go to flickr.com
Step 2: In another window open http://bighugelabs.com/flickr/mosaic.php
Step 3: Choose 4 columns, 3 rows
Step 4: Answer the questions in the search bar of flickr and pick your favorite picture on the page and paste the address into the mosaic maker. Create the mosaic and then save it to your computer and post it as a picture. Have fun! :)

Monday, April 13, 2009

Luckiest girl ever

Right now I am laying in my bed waiting to fall back to sleep because I woke up at 5 am because I have a sinus infection and its no fun. I slept all day yesterday pretty much and now I think my body has ODed on sleep. But I need to sleep more if I want to get better. 
Saturday I got engaged!! :) :) I am so happy, so excited, and I am so blessed. Not only am I marrying the most amazing man on this planet, but I get a whole new family who are way cool. I am in Cali with Jake, my fiance, and life is great with him always here. We had to do a long distance relationship for the past semester and that was hard, but it was also good I think. Now we can be together :) were on the same track for school so now we wont be apart ever. Right after the semester ends (July 23rd) were going to get married (July 25th). Its so great. He is the sweetest, funnest, cutest, most talented, most amazing, most thoughtful, funniest, most attractive man ever. I am so lucky. I cant get over how lucky I am. The ring that now sits on my left hand ring finger makes me smile because it reminds me of how wonderful he is. Its so beautiful because its from him. I am living the dream!! And I never thought I would. Thanks to Jake. Jacob Oliver Ballentine. What a stud. 

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

There is no end

For class I am supposed to right a paper on a significant moment in our lives. When I was writing it this morning I realized I hadn't born my testimony on this for a long time. The two (my paper and my testimony) probably seem unconnected but trust me when I say that they are both intimately connected. 
I cant begin to say how much the Lord has changed me. Not just once but so many times in my life. First when I was a child, when I was young after seeing a ghost movie with my friends, I wondered if God could comfort me. I remember, after crawling into the top bunk, I asked my dad "does God exist?" I expected him to tell me yes, but instead he said "well, you should find out for yourself." And that got me thinking. Does God exist? 
I prayed as a child and picked up the Bible and The Book of Mormon. The more I read them, the more I realized that God did live. Not just by what they said, because any book can say anything, but by the way that I felt. There was a burning in my chest that I felt no where else. I could not fake it. But in high school I began to doubt that I was even worth any of it, and because of not understanding the Atonement, I thought that it was pointless for me to try and be a good person; I always messed up. 
Through the years and through many trials of my own, I began to come to know what the Atonement really means to me, and what Christ has done for me. Jesus Christ, the most amazing being (except for God only), actually died for me. Not just for really good people, but for sinners like me. For people who mess up everyday like me. My heart swells at knowing his heart has felt pain for my pain and that I can be perfect through and by him. Its not a question as to my ability to be perfect, but my ability to have faith that he has the power and the purity of heart to save me. Save me from not just a Hell that we all think of, but of a down cast heart, of a life not lived, a smile unused, or of unfulfilled promises. 
I know God lives. I know that he is my father in heaven, that he loves me so much, and that he is always listening to my prayers. I cant begin to tell you how much I love him. I know I dont always show it, and I bet its irritating to him (:) ), but I try. 
I am so blessed, and every day I am bewildered as to how many blessings I do have. I know that he will answer my prayers if I ask in faith and if I ask for things that I should. I know that he will guide me to places I never thought I could be. I know that this life is made with joy and that he wants us to be happy in any circumstance we are in. Not a fake happy, not a pasty smile, but a peace, a warmth inside, that even when you feel sad or depressed, he can be there to comfort you. I know this with ALL of my heart because I have felt it. I have been sad, I have been in the depths of sorrow, but he reached down and lifted me up. There is sunshine in my soul today because a God in heaven has seen it in his holy heart to save a wretch like me. 
There is peace on earth, there is hope. He is my God and I promise to him every day that I will serve him and worship him with all of my heart, no matter what befalls me. Although I am human and flawed in every aspect, I know that I can be forgiven and that someday I can be with those that I love forever and ever, in happiness and joy. Its so wonderful and I am so blessed to have such a promise and such a wonderful future. 

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

I am so thankful!

real quick, before I have to go study, some things I am grateful for:

1. Heavenly father!
2. Jesus Christ, his son.
3. The Bible and Book of Mormon
4. Joseph Smith
5. Thomas S. Monson
6. My family
7. My Bf. :)
8. My friends
9.My body/my mind/soul
10. Yummy food
11. Music that rocks the soul!
12.Dancing!!
13. The world/nature
14. pictures
15. Good movies
16. Books!
17. Yummy candies
18. Shoes and clothes
19. A place to sleep
20. Warm blankets
21. This wonderful university!
22. Learning
and many more.
23. THE TEMPLE! (and this is not in order BTW)

Pompous Windbags.

Some believe that there is some kind of hierarchy of intelligence. They have the mind set of "I am smarter than you, you are dumber than me. You are smarter than me, I am less intelligent than you." Which I believe is ridiculous and unsound. 
I was sitting down and watching T.V. and the person on the show said something in their lines that had to do with something else completely. Someone in the room cried out "I know what he is talking about!" and the person next to them quietly and discreetly said "Don't you love it when you have those connections?" I was obviously not a part of the conversation, but I really didn't care. 
When there are people who believe that they are more intelligent than the next person I really don't heed them at all. If that is how they think than they really are less intelligent than they so deem themselves. The fact that one cannot spend the time to listen to someone else's view is so pompous and useless. They miss out on the sheer joy of finding wisdom in the least expected places. You guys who believe there is some few of you who has the wisdom can sit on your fat behinds on your glittering thrones all you want, i'll be out having a blast with the town idiot as he is showing me the world and all its wonders. Your missing out. 
On a totally different subject, I have a bone to pick on psycho-analysts. GGrrrr.....I may be bristling up solely because I have heard some arrogant claims towards my favorite book, but it has to do with anything in between that. You cannot psycho-analyze anything and claim that your view point is absolute. Honestly, you can have your own theories but to teach bogus in a class and make it a "fact" makes me want to smack you in the forehead. 
Sorry, I just had to vent. You should have seen me yesterday when the claim was first brought to my eyes. Let me just warn anyone in the future, if you diss something, expect a fight.  ;) 

Thursday, March 26, 2009

I am the wind

So last night I was reading "real men will never sparkle" to my roommates, and I realized just how much I have written on this blog! I am like those girls wont stop talking, except I write what I am saying. In real life I don't say too much unless I have a strong opinion or I know the person well enough. But its fun to listen rather than talk. Everyone else's amount of talking, I write instead. :) 

So driving back from Utah was almost torturous. Driving by the expanding plains and rolling hills made me want to pull over and start exploring. I wanted a horse so bad to gallop over the wide open fields and forget everything. Or turn into the wind and fly over the land that hasnt been tainted by us humans. I actually came up with a story that I think is going to be fun to write. Its going to be fun because its all going to be a bit of silliness, nothing really that noteworthy but its okay. :) I will enjoy myself and isnt that what life is about? Btw, grandma's peaches are soooo good!


Friday, March 20, 2009

A voice silenced is a step closer to Hell.

In class we were discussing something that I have always had a very passionate opinion on, and that is voice. We were supposed to read an essay about the importance of opposition. The essay was about how it is important to listen to opposing sides, even if you do not agree with them. It is called "The Indispensable Opposition." But what really got me was that in the very act of discussing this well thought out essay, the class displayed exactly what we were being warned about. 
A guy in my class was telling us all about his opinion and everyone started laughing because he had messed up in his words and was acting like a brainless jock (which he isn't). Everyone, even the teacher, began to laugh and would not continue to listen to him. Needless to say he had nothing to say after that. I could feel my jaw clench and anger begin to warm my chest.
There is a quote in this essay that I really enjoyed, and it goes " I may not agree with what you say but I will defend your right to say it to the death." I get soooooo angry when others try to silence the opposing opinions (or any opinion at all for that matter). Personally, I know that I do not have all the answers and that my thoughts are flawed. I do not pretend to think that I am all knowing and what everyone else has to say is of dross. I love to hear someone else's opinion because it helps me grow! I am like a really sharp piece of glass that has flung itself in the ocean so that my edges may be softened so I do not offend the whole reason why we are here. We are here to gain knowledge, to grow from each other, to become the best people we can be. 
In the past, and present, there are people I strongly disagree with. There are people that I may never see eye to eye with on some or all subjects, but I would NEVER want them to not say their opinion. Dictators were all about one voice being heard and once people actually spoke up, they were punished. Do we want to be like Hitler? How about Stalin? You may think "I could never be a mass murder", but once you silence another man's voice we turn into the animals that we so disgust. Socrates once said "When men are brought face to face with their opponents, forced to listen and learn to mend their ideas, they cease to be children and savages and begin to live like civilized men. Then only is freedom a reality, when men may voice their opinions because they must examine their opinions." And how true that is! 
I rarely find myself annoyed or angered by others, but when I hear them snuff out an outspoken word I almost get violent. I don't care if the other person sounds like a blithering idiot, but at least they have enough self respect to say something! In this world we are all about our rights and freedoms to speak. We are all about blogging (my little blog as a testimony to that fact). Were all about thinking for ourselves (although I don't see enough of that these days, were all a bunch of sheep being herded by the loudest speaker), and were all about OUR freedoms. What about the freedoms of others?
This essay, written by Walter Lippmann in 1939, also asks a wonderful question, and that is, what is the point of freedom of speech if no one listens? "What matters is not the utterance of opinions. What matters is the confrontation of opinions in debate. No man can care profoundly that every fool should say what he likes. Nothing has been accomplished if the wisest man proclaims his wisdom in the middle of the Sahara Desert."
I wish that I were given this subject to write about in class. If so, and if we were graded on mere passion, then I would get an A+. My grammar is always wanting, and my word choice can be superficial and fickle, but my heart hammers in chest as do my fingers on my keyboard. What is this world good for if we do not have the respect for others that we so desire. Sure, I may think that what you say may be atrocious, but say it anyways! Honesty is the crowning virtue in any man. If someone says something you disagree with, speak up! But when they respond to your rebuttal, LISTEN! "If we truly wish to understand how freedom is necessary in a civilized society, we must begin by realizing that, because freedom of discussion improves our own opinions, the liberties of other men are our own vital necessity." 
Don't be a pig and believe that what you say is the only importance to society. Freedom of speech also entails the freedom of discussion, the freedom to disagree, the freedom of lively conversation. Arguments may be uncomfortable, but when has growing ever been comfortable? I am all about peace and the getting along of others, but I am also for the growing of our minds and the breaking forth of prejudices and close-mindedness. I used to be afraid to say what I thought, but now, I cannot be silenced when I have something I want to say. But, when someone also has a desire to say something or to disagree with what I had said, I am all for it. Bring it on, because I need all the help I can get, but so can you. Stop picketing and start talking. Don't go into the argument with the thought that your opponent has nothing worth while to say, because then you become an animal, literately a pig. 
Picketing, backbiting, slandering, and such shows no strength of mind, class or intelligence at all, quite the opposite really. If you have something to say and you want to edify yourself with me, COME AND TALK WITH ME! Nothing like this has happened to me recently, but I have seen so many missed good discussions because someone was lazy or had "the indifference of an empty mind" to speak up. I am so sick and tired of the profession of intelligence when their "wisdom" is at the expense of walking over those that they deem lesser in aptitude. I want to smack them on the forehead and ask whether there really is anything in their noggin' as they so allege. Give me some proof that you have the strength of mind and character to shut your own mouth for a second to gain some kind of wisdom that is beyond yourself. 
http://grossmont.gcccd.cc.ca.us/bertdill/docs/IndispensableOpposition.pdf 

That is the essay. READ IT! 



Monday, March 16, 2009

Tips on managing stress


So in class (personal health and wellness) we learned about stress. It was interesting because I learned that there are two types of stress: eustress and distress. Eustress is a good stress (the stress of graduating, of singing in front of people because you want to, planning a fun party). Of course you can guess that distress is bad. Like working 12 hours straight, hearing bad things, or having someone act rudely to you. But its interesting because good and bad stress have the same effects on you. Both are not very good with your body. If you can find a way to handle your stress you wont have to go through the exhaustion that comes from it. 

Ways to help with stress:
1. Excersise
2. Eat healthy (Fruits and veggies and good carbs.) 
3. Get enough sleep
4. Do things you enjoy (read a book, listen to music, sing etc) 
5. Visualize the thing your stress out about going well. (like if you have a basketball game, imagine yourself making a basket everytime) 
6. Go through a "relaxation" period. (going through all of your body parts and imagine relaxing them) 
7. Get a massage (or give one because they have realized that it is just as relaxing, or more even, as giving one than receiving) 
8. Breathe deep!
9. Laugh ( listen/watch your favorite comedian, watch a show that makes you laugh, be with people that laugh and make you laugh, do something silly so you laugh, or come up with the funniest laugh you can) 


We also learned about the three ways that people react to stress.
Type A: Is when someone reacts with anger aggression and very competitive. (not too good.. because they can be violent) 
Type B: (the best I believe) Takes stress in calm strides. Are relaxed and orderly about things that are bothering them.
Type C: (more common) Has a hard time dealing with it. Goes through depression, anxiety, and does not do well with revealing their emotions.

I really want to work on becoming a Type B because that way its better for you (health and emotionally wise) and the people around you. I know some people who are Type B and I think theyre awesome.

I believe I was a type C but I have been working on it. I believe that now I am becoming very close to a B. I get stressed yes, but because of the knowledge that I have gotten from my schooling (which is such a great blessing) I have found ways to cope. Its not good to keep your stresses in and your emotional dilemmas because its stupid to think that no one cares. Someone must care, and if no one does then care yourself enough to find ways that will help you go through life calmly and happily.

I need to take my own advice though and go to bed a more reasonable time than I have for a while (but I cant complain because I stay up for a good reason! :)  ) and to try to be more rigorous in my exercising. 

Anyways, have a good rest tonight. Don't forget to look out for your health as well as those you love. The people that love you want you to be happy and if your not taking care of yourself it will be hard to be happy. ;) 

My love


I sit and the rain comes pattering down, smattering the emerald leaves. My hair is wet, my skin is wet, and my hands are drenched. My heart is broken, and my eyes are down cast. Loneliness gathers as the clouds choke the sky with their grey masses. I cant hear anything but my breathing. 

I knew that there was too many sunshined days to be true. I left another man that loved me. Fear had gripped by chest and my mind closed off to happiness. 

Lost in a world of lost hope, there were steps caked with mud that clung to my soul. Dirty, dependent on the racking poison of a faithless ghost. 

My blue eyes looked up into the wet air, sparkling with tears, my lips trembled.

There were words of coddling, there were faces of concern, but my own hands needed to reach down to lift myself. 

Turning my back on feelings of despair, I followed the one road laced with daises and daffodils. When the sun lightly spread her fingers through the sky I stepped off and followed my feet. 
It was hope and it was faith that grabbed my wrists and lead me down a lane that wrapped me in warmth. 
The earth smelled of newness, fresh, and crisp. My dusty smiles came out of the boxes, and my laughter peeled like a bell waiting to be held. 

Soon, under hands of blessings and hands of healing, I found myself in a glade of possibilities.

Now I am holding your hand and I know that my persistence gave me this imaginable joy. In crystal clear eyes I find hope. 

There is something about the way that I feel when I am with you. Your arms surround me and I am lost in bliss. When you kiss me all I feel is the warmth of love that spreads from my finger tips down to my toes. I want to have you by my side until the stars sputter into darkness. I want to be with you even in the bleak of night. 

Sleeping and dreaming, your face never loses my sight, and your touch is still warm on my skin even when you are a million miles away. This place in my heart, the place that I have never given to anyone else, I give to you. This love I have never felt with anyone in the world, I feel for you.
Flying through the air my stomach jumps and twirls, I smile, and you laugh. I want to walk into the forest in my bare feet with you, I want feel you next to me every moment. 

Your words calm me and your smile lets me know that you really care.
The steps to the door are bright in the sunshine
The windows are opened and the curtains are dancing lazily in the breeze. 
Here I am, and its here with you.
Here I am, and I am home.  

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

What in the world is going on?

You know whats funny? I write all the time but I think I would suck at being an author. Its weird how those things work out. Even if you have a passion for something doesn't mean that you are all that good at it. I just enjoy it so much I don't care if I made people's eyes bleed because of lack of talent. (actually, if people's eyes really bled then I most likely would stop writing...hahaha) :) Im kind of in a silly mood. I wish I had my own room or my own house because I really want to dance to "My sherona" by The Knack...but my roommates would think I was weird. Correction: they already know I'm weird, they just might not appreciate it because they're trying to work on homework. 
So the guy that I am dating right now is way cool. He would dance with me if he were here. And he'd sing along and it would be great. haha We went roller skating this monday and it was really fun because I was trying to dance to the music they had there while were skating but I almost fell over every time. Luckily he's strong so he caught me. what a stud. :)

So I have really been trying to get up to date on the news on an international front because it seems like us as Americans are in this little self absorbed bubble where we don't really talk about other things that are in the world if they don't directly involve us. It bothers me a lot actually because no one really knows what's going on. We don't hear about Somalia and their government and how it has never been a stable thing. No one is talking about how we could solve that or what anyone could do. No one talks about the muslim women in Europe and the discrimination that they go through, or their dilemma between being stay at home moms and being in poverty or being successful business women. Or how about how if the Dali lama dies then his peole will be over run by the chinese and how that is a big deal because he has been their main reason for staying peaceful (if you can say that). Or how about Sri Lanka and the terror that is going on there? Why doesn't CNN show it on the news? Were so caught up in our own little squabbles we fail to see the massacres that are happening around the world. How can we help change the world if we are not even partially aware of it? Just a thought.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

come on now, use your mind.

Wildness of life.

The treacheries of life keep coming. Sometimes hope bends and sometimes it breaks, but you can still hold tight. There are good times, and there are ill. The sun comes up and the sun goes down. The moon shines bright or it hides behind the clouds. But in the steps that life soon gives us, a happy heart makes life that much better. Of course things may and will happen, but with a frown the darkness deepens but with a smile the daylight begins to creep into the night. Nothing can keep you down if you are determined to find the good in all circumstances. If I had not battled with the dark myself I would not be able to say that a road traveled by one who smiles and whistles is the road that wildflowers grow. 
Whether we let "when I get ___, I will be happy" control or lives or we let "I will try to see the good in everything." control us, is merely by the choice. Try this: Smile for at least 5 minutes or more and see how you feel. When I feel down I go to youtube and watch my favorite comedians. Or I like to sing a song or dance. Find what you enjoy (that is wholesome) and do it. I promise, that when I decide to be happy, then life is so much more enjoyable. Last thursday I got an Okay grade on a test. (B minus) which is fine, but I wanted an A. I started to get down on myself, questioning whether I belonged in college. I began to cry, thoughts of self doubt clouding my mind, which I know sounds silly. As my chin quivered I remembered that if I focused on the negative, that was what I would reap. If I tried to focus my negative energy on a positive and useful thought (like determining how I could get a better grade in the future) then I would get good results. So wiping my eyes I tried to whistle a cheerful tune. It began to work. Then I sent a text message to my mom telling her I loved her. I got a drink of water and skipped down the hallways to my next class. I felt much better.
I talked to someone I really cared about about the circumstance and he reassured me and tried to get my mind off the matter. That helped a lot. (it was nice to know someone cared) I decided to not worry about it and do all I could to do better, but I chose to be happy because being happy is so much more enjoyable. 
The secret, my friends, is the choice. We have all been given our will and our agency. Lets exercise it and multiply things that are good. Why ever the reason not to? Sounds like a bunch of silliness to me. This life is to be enjoyed, not endured with a scowl. 

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Saving a lady bug

So I found a lady bug outside. He looked dead. Being in the middle of the footprint.  I decided to take it inside because its so cold outside. I read a little about lady bugs and apparently they can live off their fat stores and they just need to have hydration and a warm place to hibernate. (lucky little insects) ;) When I picked him up to take the picture I realized that he had a cracked shell. :( He's resting in a little tubber-ware right now. I hope he's okay. (Cuz for some reason he is a he to me) I just came up with a name too. Bisbo. He's my pet now. But i'll let him go if he needs to be set free. 

Friday, February 27, 2009

Squishy Oatmeal

Okay so this is not the kind of poem that ryhmms or anything, but its the kind that I write so..yup

The morning comes creeping in
with deceiving light and shrouded sun.
My blankets hold me tight against the mattress
But I fight
and land on my feet
Dazed;
hair reaching towards the sky.

Stumbling;
I am a Frankenstein-ish creation
The clock is disapproving
Walking out into the kitchen
I see that my t-shirt extends
past my shorts.
It looks like I have no pants.
I laugh;
my poor roommates.

My oatmeal refuses to cook,
burning its bottom on the pot.
But I flop,
reclined in the recliner
and
eat the unburnt oatmeal.
Honey sweetened, it melts down my throat.

Tip-a-tee-tap of the keyboard
Silence:
broken by an occasional singsong of my phone.
Homework gnaws religiously at the back of my mind.
My running shoes are poised in my closet.
Yet,
I sit here,
adhered to plushy fabric
Eating squishy oatmeal
I wonder...
How much time am I wasting?


I laugh again.







Tuesday, February 24, 2009

So badly




I lay in my bed
content but wanting
skin bare and cold
snuggled in my blankets
feeling a claw clamp on my heart;
digging with poison of loneliness.

I close my eyes
I imagine your arms around me
I wish it so deeply
I want it so badly.

When will my heart be able to find a home
amidst all this turmoil and distress?
meu caro, my dear
I need a place to lay my head
and rest.

I close my eyes
I imagine your arms around me
I wish it so deeply
I want it so badly.

I need you closer than you are now
I need to feel your breath on my neck;
to smell your shirts.
I want to bury myself in your chest;
never to leave.

There is a place ive saved for you
no one has taken.
mon cher, my dear,
hold me as close as you can
and i'll always stay.

without you im only half.
A shore without the ocean.
a night sky with no stars
a weary head without a pillow
white piano keys without the ebony.

mi querido, my dear,
hold me with your warm arms
kiss me tenderly
soft lips and soft eyes.
The sun will be brighter
and the world will be brilliant.

Your ghost lies beside me
I feel warmer with your thought
I feel safer knowing you exist;
sleeping and dreaming.
I just wish I knew who you were.

I close my eyes
I imagine your arms around me
I wish it so deeply
I want it so badly.

Someday we will be in bliss
wrapped in joy.
There wont be need to need
I will rock your world
and you will rock mine.

Monday, February 23, 2009

poor little egg....

whew. You ever get that buzz from staying up too late? i got that. I don't regret it though :)
Last night I had some crazy dreams and I woke up TOTALLY happy that they weren't real. I LOVE that feeling. When I woke up I was in a pretty good mood, singing Bob Marley songs pretty loud as I snarfed down a baked potato. Yum. I love potatoes. Probably more than I should. haha I can hear my boiling egg bouncing around in my pot. I feel so inhumane...its like its begging me to free him from a slow and painful death. yikes, thats kind of morbid. Its more like he's dancing! Cant wait for me to eat him! :D hahaha
Im wearing my yellow shirt so I feel pretty chipper today. Im super nervous for tongith because for our ward's talent show I decided to play the piano. Im feeling pretty retarded because there are MILLIONS of people a whole lot better than me, I just like playing in front of people because it gets me all excited and I can really get into my song. I also like practicing before because its like a goal I have. so yea....i dont really care if I mess up or not, im just excited to play like old times.
You know, I realized that I dance like all of the time. I dance when there is no music, when there is, with people, and without. My mom told me that when I was little and they put on any kind of music Id start shaking my hips, whether I seemed to mean to or not. They would do it on purpose to watch what I would do. Sometimes I would try not to, but I could never restrain myself for long. hahaha I think thats funny because I still do that. I go to the store and I hear a song on the radio and I start dancing in the isles, totally oblivious to the fact that I most likely look pretty silly. oh well. hahaha
im going to go eat my egg now. ta ta

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Going on a mission

I am SO excited and nervous and mixed up in emotions right now.

So...I realized that I can start working on my mission papers!! :D I'm sooooo excited! I have a meeting with the bishop this Sunday to talk about it because I have NO idea what I have to do. Its such an exciting prospect, but a part of me is very nervous that I wont be a good effective missionary. I prayed about it recently to help me not to be too nervous and last night I was reading in Alma 26 and it was very comforting when I read in verse 27 : ".. and bear with patience thine afflictions, and I will give unto you success" talking about how Ammon and his friends converted all of the lamanites that were bloodthirsty and pretty nasty before they were converted. I love the stories about Ammon and his brethern because it shows that when people put the Lord first in their life they become great couragous people. (like when the "anti-nephi-lehites" let the lamanites kill them as they knelt praying to God) It helped me realize that to be a good missionary you dont have to be an amazing person, you just have to trust in the Lord, be humble, love the people you teach, and serve them and everyone. Heavenly father will support me and guide me. I dont want to be pushy because I think that everyone has a right to their beliefs as I do to mine. If someone wants to listen to me then I will be glad because then I know that they can come to a knowledge that I have that brings me sooo much joy.

The reasons I want to be a missionary:
1. I can serve people 24/7
2. Becoming closer to the Lord
3. Tell people of wonderful things
4. Watch people change
5. Become more responsible
6. Help bring joy into people's lives
7. Spread the gospel that families can be together forever, that we are so loved by our Heavenly father, that Christ sacrificed his life for us and that he can make our lives filled with joy, and that we can grow and become great.


Some people believe that Mormons are pushy, and some are, but most of us respect other people's views. (Gordan B. Hinkley our past prophet encourages us to treat all views, creeds, and religions with respect) The only reason why some become very zealous is because they want to share their joy with others. I also want to be a missionary because then I can also get to know other churches. My brother in law, before he want on a mission, studied a lot of other churches so that he could understand how they believed and so that he could show that he respect their beliefs. I thought that is cool and I really want to do that. Everyone has some truth. I want to learn more about Buddhists and Muslims.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Secret found

So this morning my roommate, Kristina, popped in a movie called 'The secret'. It was a book first, then apparently they made a movie about it. It was more of a supplement to the book. I have never read it, but it was very interesting.
One of the things that it said was to visualize and imagine what it would be like to have your dreams to come true. They talked about having a dream board where you post pictures of the things that you wanted. (I highly recommend watching this movie. I haven't read the book so I cant recommend it until I have read it.) They said that it was good to focus on things that you want, things that are good in life, instead of things that you dont want to happen because you then focus on the negative. So, instead of saying "I dont want to be poor." you say "I want to be prosperous." Instead of "I dont want to fail my classes." say: " I want to get good grades." I think its a great idea!

I am now in the mood to kick butt! :) hahaha well, more like my own butt into gear.
Its nice to hear that when you focus on the positive, positive things happen. It makes sense because, for example, when you focus on something with your eyes as you walk, you start to veer towards the thing you are looking at. The mind has more power than I think we would like to admit.

So, after watching this movie, I decided that I would write down the things that I want in my life.

1. To do good in school
2. To find the man of my dreams and fall in madly in love.
3. To be a good and loving wife
4. To be a caring mother
5. To be kind to everyone
6. To find the good things in life
7. Always provide for my children
8. Be active
9. Become smart/wise
10.Always be devoted to Heavenly Father
11. Be a good example to my children
12. Be a loving awesome grandma
13. Always serve my husband
14. Appreciate what I have
15. Use my talents to help others in their lives
16. Pay back my debts from school
17. Somehow unit people of all faiths and creeds
18. Discover something amazing.
19. Learn to paint


These are only some. But today, after I am finished writing it, I am going to make my first 'Dream board' and try and find pictures of the things that I want in my life. Its nice to know that I have the power to make my life whatever I want it to be. The secret is: Its all inside me. This is where I will be. Not sure when, but it doesnt matter, because it will happen and I am so excited :)

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Jerks that don't understand

So, I was sitting on my couch about to get up and check on my laundry when my roomate, Candice, returned home from her trip to a store downtown. I dont really admonish her because im being distracted, but then I hear that she starts to talk. I tear my eyes from my book, and I realize that she is shaking.
"I was just at the store and I was squating down and this guy looks over and turns to his buddy next to him and whispers 'ugly'."
I freeze. Her eyes are getting wide.
"I didnt know what to do so I just stormed out of there." Her eyes are tearing up. "I mean, what kind of jerk says something like that?"
Im gaping, totally and completely shocked.
"They are such jerks!" with that declaration, crying hard, she stomps out of the room and goes into her room.
"What the heck!?" I cry out.
Wrapping myself up in my comforter, I follow her into the room.
She is standing with her back to the door when I first walk in but I know she is crying because her back is hunched and I hear her quiet sobs.
"Candice, Are you okay?" I ask, so horrified by what she just I cant seem to think straight.
"I just can't see why someone would say that!" she cries, shaking and wiping her tears.
"Alright, you give me a good description of this...(I refrain myself from going into explitives) man and I am going to hunt him down and give him a little swift kick." And sadly, I am seriously thinking about it.
She laughs between her sobs.
"Come here candice." I outstrech my arms so when she hugs me we are both covered in my bright orange comforter. I want so badly to make her feel better; I hold her tightly.

Let me just say one thing. Any (*&%(*$#@&@#*8 who thinks that is all right needs to never have children. I was so tempted to go find these guys and yell at them and teach them a lesson, but I guess youve got to be the bigger person. Let me just say one thing, if you make anyone that I care about feel bad, that is one way to get on my bad side, and thats hard to do. I rarely dont like people. You mess with them, you mess with me, and although I am pretty even tempered dont underestimate my ability to stand up for others. Luckily I havent had to do it very often. But I have enough passion to make anyone sorry that they were so low to think that walking over people is okay. Grow up.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Sentements of a girl suffering a concussion.

Two things:
Reading the Ensign (church magazine) I was humbled by such amazing people that have such faith. There is a woman who is blind, but she is amazingly awesome. It made me want to be like her (when I grow up..;) ) There was another article about prayer and it made me realize that in my own life whenever I needed help with ANYTHING Heavenly Father was there. Even if it was "Heavenly father, I spaced again. Could you help me find my keys?" I bet he chuckles everytime I get on my knees. He probably says to himself and the angels up there "haha whose gonna guess she lost something again? Silly Caitlin." He's got to have a sense of humor. Seriously, he gave me this mind and gave me this face, he's got to have a sense of humor. haha jk. I like my face.

Heres the other thing (cuz I said "two things:..") I think I jossled my brain too much...I hit my head on some people when I was sledding today. It was terribly funny but terribly painful. After I mowed some people down I was looking around, dazed, "Is anyone hurt? Im so sorry, are you okay?" They looked at me like a crazy person. "dude, are YOU okay?" hahaha I loved it though, it was epic. I love sledding. I just want to apologize, I cant seem to think at all right now, I most likely will go rambling on some random subject that makes no sense AT all.

So.............................................................

ummm............................................................
haha periods look cool when you do just press down on the keys..........................................weee....................................................
Okay, I need to go to sleep...I might start REALLY making a fool out of myself.

ps.
dont be stupid about your body. Its an amazing gift. If your bigger than other people just do all you can (exercise reasonably and eat healthy. ) but be grateful for who you are. Seriously, not to be cheesy, but your amazingly beautiful the way you are. If your a girl and you dont get a lot of guys asking you guys out, count yourself lucky. Most guys are pretty shallow and the last thing you want is some guy only wanting you for your body. You'll find someone who appreciates you for who you are.
I dont mean to be graphic but one time I was looking at myself in the mirror and I began to think. Dang, I love my body! hahaha sounds like Im full of myself, but Im not. I am full of gratitude that I HAVE a body. Heavenly father loves me so much that he gave me these little hands that can type how I feel. He gave me these hands so that I could hold a deliscous apple. He gave me my wonderful arms so I could hold those I love and try and show them that I care. He gave me these eyes, which may be legally deemed as blind without contacts, but I am able to see. Theyre blue, and theyre mine. He gave me my tiny little feet so that I could run seven miles. He gave me toes so that I could be amused by their silliness. He gave me a stomach so that I could eat wonderful glorious food! He gave me my hair, though it may be blonde and I wish it were black, it still is wonderful and I can make it look pretty and feminine. He gave me a laugh so that I could enjoy myself. He gave me a mouth so I could smile. He gave me lips so that I could kiss tenderly to show effection. He gave me a heart so that I could live. A mind to think, a tounge to taste. I am so eternally grateful. I am not skinny, I am not fat. I am just me. I dont want to be smaller than I should be, and I dont want to be bigger either. I just want to be healthy and happy. I want to take care of this beautiful body my dear Heavenly Father gave me. My heart brims with joy. I wish that I could show people what I see when I see them. Girls or boys who may be bigger (even if they are healthy or if they are just made that way) that they are beautiful. They really are! Everyone has their own beauty. Im not trying to be insanely cheesy, its really how I think and how I see them. Gawl, I just wish I could hug them, take their face in my hands and take away their pain. I imagine that all the time. Not in a weird stalker way, it just helps me when I dont know what else to do and if Im too shy to actually say something.

Anyways, What I am trying to say is appreciate your body. Keep it healthy, dont think that if you are skinny you will be happy. Skinny people still arent happy. You can be happy in any circumstance you are in. You just need to realize that. You hold the key to your own happiness. Your actions decide that. Im not lecturing. haha at least I dont mean to. :)
let me tell you something, if you pray tonight Heavenly father will bless you. Wether your muslim, protestant, mormon, jewish, Heavenly father loves to hear from all his children. He's just waiting to bless you. I know he loves me, and I know he loves everyone else. Thanks to Christ, I have a smile on my face or in my heart always. life is AMAZING!!
Big hug! :)

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Sleepy night thoughts


It's cold outside. New news? (ha, same word) Its not new if you've lived in Rexburg longer than a week. :) But, as disgustingly cold as it is outside, its gorgeous and peaceful. I got sometime to sit outside tonight and see the snow drifting from the sky. The sky is full of little angels; dust from the heaven.
We are watching a BBC movie, its pretty amusing. British people (in the past) were pretty crazy. More into snide remarks that are "under the radar" while us Americans are generally pretty blunt. Maybe its just the times. I dont know.
Blah.
My mind wont stay on one subject.
I think its been frazzled.
You know what I need that would cure this little spell of an inability to think straight. that would be to read!! To read a book that is rich in thought and emotions that I would surely hear my poor little voice once again. For some reason that always helps.
So, the place that I am going to live in next semester reminds me of Sherlock holmes. Dont ask me why but the essence of his tactful brows and his unattached calculating voice seemed to echo as I stepped down into the living room. Whether it was the green old fashioned couches, or the stuffiness of age that made me think of him, it was AMAZING. I am in love with Sherlock holmes. If he were alive today, id be his side kick. I would never dream that he would find any romantic interest in me, and neither would I find one in him; it would be father daughter sort of relationship. I would be with him in every exertion (of course without being a pill of course). I really miss the black and white videos that I watched of Sherlock holmes.( Basil Rathbone as Sherlock) Oh what a stud. ;)
Anyways,
The morning creeps ever closer and I am sleepier than an ox. (if oxen were sleeppy) I might fall asleep on the couch tonight because I feel like falling asleep to the sound of the T.V. and my roomates hustling and bustling.
Good night world. Good night all. :) sleep well.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Old people lovin'


Do you ever wonder if you'll always be alone? Do you ever wonder if your just not cut out to have a wonderful relationship that other people seem to have with ease? Sure, everyone dreams of when they find "the one" or whatever, but I am starting to lose my zeal.

Whats wrong with being a lone? maybe i'll get married when I am 50 to a nice old man at some retirement home. That couldn't be so bad. Our dates could consist of bingo and making cookies with the young women of the ward. Whats the harm in that? Maybe thats what I'll look forward to. Right now, being alone yet happy, I'm going to work on trying really hard not to give in to the sultry voice of pizza that seems to want to lure me into haveing a heart attach or extra chins if I find the desire for a few extra. Oh bother.
ps. I just want to skip the whole dating and marrying part and have kids. Kids are awesome. They want to do things that I want to do, like build blocks and play with legos. Maybe i'll just grow up and adopt and then get married at "Sherwood assisted living." (old folks home in Sequim)

Monday, February 2, 2009

Temptation

I am tempted to get down on myself because I feel less than I should. I am very tempted to write about how I envisioned myself this afternoon (a wicked old witch in the shape of a young girl) but...I will give myself some slack. Instead, I'll tell you about my walk home from "Personal Health and Wellness" class. The side walk is all cleared but on the sides of it, where the grass would be thriving, there are hills of snow. Poking out of the top of one mounds I saw a sign "do not step on grass, newly planted seeds." (or something close to that) I grimaced, looking at all of the snow that most likely killed all of the seeds and thought how foolish the sign was. Poor little seeds. ( I also laughed a bit at how ironic it was...) :)

Friday, January 30, 2009

Today I was a mermaid :)



I was sore from the gym again today so I decided to take a bath after taking a quick shower. When I looked down at the drain I saw that we had no way to plug the water with. Of course with my little mind began to work furiously, my wet glasses smashed unto my face in order to see, I realized it could most likely work by clogging the drain with my shampoo bottle. It seemed big enough at the time. So as I slowly began leaning back, feeling the warmth tenderly begin to massage my aching legs, I realized there was no gently sloping end where I could recline my head. It was at an awkward angle and I just couldn't figure out how I could fit and be comfortable at the same time. I began to lust after my Aunt and Uncle's bathtub. Their tub most definitely sends you to some heavenly orb. I had to drag my sorry bum out of it when I was staying in their lovely home (I was babysitting their children overnight) because I knew that it would be awkward if they came home and I had been sitting in the tub for that night and the following morning. How could I explain myself without being disowned from their family forever and never be able to baby sit my cousins until the end of time?
Anyways, while trying quite fruitlessly to get comfortable in my less than luxurious bathtub, I soon gave up and found a way to either prop my legs up and go under water with my top half or let my legs relax while keeping as much of the rest of my body submerged. When I turned the faucet off I laid myself onto my side which made the water ripple angrily and in turn sent my shampoo bottle scooting just far enough away from the drain to let the water begin to gurgle its way out.
I had every right to become perturbed or go on some quest to find a more adequate plug, but I decided that it was useless and found a way to enjoy myself.
By then I was very much relaxed, lying on my side, feeling the watery hands grip and touch me gently. As the water line slowly lowered I felt it pull my hair down into a halo around my head. With the water messaging my skin, slipping farther and farther away, I felt as if I were a mermaid. The hard unforgiving porcelain soon became soft white sand. I had taken my glasses off long ago so looking up to the ceiling it seemed to be a cloud filled sky (thanks to my legally blind eyes). I thought to myself " I could stay like this forever". It was as if I had lost the shell of stress that had encrusted around me, gathering its layers day by day. I had wiggled from my mortal skin into the flawless body of a mermaid. My mind was sent into the days when as a child I would pretend to be some sea living creature as I took my highly coveted baths.
When I was left with an empty tub and soon to be cold skin, I decided to slowly sit myself up and wring out my hair. Stepping out I realized that I was very much human, but looking into the mirror at my flushed face and hair plastered to my neck, I remained a mermaid. Smiling, I turned on my haunting Celtic music and lived in the dream, brushing my hair musingly.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Venting

Okay, so my eyes are about to burn out of my skull...my head feels like there is a clamp squeezing my head, and I think I am about to kick some little post office man/woman in the butt. Okay, maybe I wouldnt really kick them, but the reason for my painful head is because I havent gotten my glasses from my mom yet. She sent them last week and she accidentally wrote the wrong address, so she sent it again. The people at the post office (grrrrr) told her that it would arrive in two days..its been two days and I still dont have a package. This morning I couldnt sleep cuz I was so excited. BUT lo and behold, no package!! I called the post office and of course they said that it wasnt there. I do not blame my mom, its not her fault, and I know that there is no way they would know that it was the wrong address, but I just need someone to blame. hahaha Okay, fine. I wont blame them. I wont try and pick a fight with those Safari hat wearing people. I will breathe....maybe try and find an asprin for my head. ggggggrrrrrrr...........

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

What ghosts cannont tell

AH HA!!! There is a story I have been working on for about five or more years now. I just got a great idea for it so I am going to start writing it and hopefully make it all fit the way I want. If you want to read it, heres a part of it.

http://shortstories-c.blogspot.com/

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Death in the air. Death(aka cold air) is everywhere. Niping at my fingers, niping at my toes. Cold is so terrible. My great and horrible foe

I woke up this morning wishing I could sleep for another decade. Morphing into a bear-sounds like a most divine option. Hibernation anyone? I am surely a taker. Anyways, if getting out of bed wasn't difficult enough, merely walking around was like wearing boots (although my boots are in reality only fake leather..or whatever it is) of steel and concrete. My muscles scorned my recent exercise. When going running the previous day I ran on my tip-toes in order to get a more delving workout in my lower calves, which Im sure I suceded in. What I wasnt prepared for was a full on civil war between my determination to run as hard and challenging as I can (my mind) and my actual strength (my calves).
ANYWAYS,
enough prattle.
It was strange today. I wore my muffin/mushroom hat because I didnt have time to dry my hair, and I got the oddest reactions from people. A couple people smiled at me, girls complimented me "thats such a cute hat!" "thats such a cute hat and you look great in it!" Blah blah blah. I know that it is seemly and only customary to be flattered by recieving compliments (although, I dont see the reason for me saying thanks, I didnt make the hat! I just wear it for darn sake to keep my noggin' from freezing!) but during the course of my day, the random smiles and compliments I found myself bewildered. It brought me to a realization. I would love not to state it because everytime I think over this character quirk that I have, I feel sheepish. Again, a reaction that seems strange.
well, my character quirk is that I dislike attention. I love people. Love to talk with them, see them smile and laugh, do them good, but at the same time I do not like them focusing on me. Alright...that is not entirely true. I do daydream being able to sing in front of a crowd with an awesome voice that could touch everyone's hearts and souls with its awesomeness...I even enact it when jumping on my bed singing (off tune of course) to my ipod. But, at the same time I would love to have the chance to dissapear.
Oh hey look! Caitlin is rambaling again! what a surprise....? not really.
Anyways ( I say that a lot, dont I?) apparently Rexburg is supposedly going to get colder...(more cold..whatever) Is that even possible?!! When walking out of the library my breath was forced back into my chest by a great and terrible fist of freezing cold air. It was as if it were saying "BREATHING IS NOT ALLOWED. LIFE DOES NOT EXIST OUT HERE, BE GONE HUMAN!"
Of course I trudged my way through the torrent of devilish angels hidden in the wind, but it was not without great struggle. When I scuffle home from my night classes I try to dispell my anger towards the freezing death by whistling: "There is sunshine in my soul today!" ha! take that evil chill! I dont mind the looks of endearment and patronization from patrons; I carry on in my battle, though subtle, which is unquestionably essential to my survival.
This reminds me...
there are certain things that I must have. If I have them, I am good. If not, I am an unhappy quiet yet coniving grump. And they are as follows:
1. Caitlin must have a full stomach
2. Caitlin must be able to sleep
3. Caitlin must be warm.

Really, I am not high maitenance. I dont lust after jewels, nice clothes, nice cars, nice houses, nice cutlery (I bet someone somewhere lusts after nice cutlery, who wouldnt want a nice sleek knife or fork?) such on a so forth.
Anways, a warm, full, and well rested Caitlin is a Happy Caitlin. Who is also refferring to herself in third person and must get to bed now before she looses her mind. oh wait, too late.
Good night world. Good night friends, foes, aquaintences, bosom nothings, entertainers, entertainees, or random folk who do not fit in catagories.
Night.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Who is God really?

I was reading in the scriptures, in Enos, when I began to think about the nature of God. I pondered about who he was when Enos said in verse 6, after he had prayed all day for a remission of his sins, "And I Enos knew that God could not lie, therefore my guilt was swept away." Do I have that much faith in God? To repent, and then feel that I was forgiven and feel no more guilt because surely God would never lie to me, his daughter whom he loves so much. It made me feel bad for my lack of faith, totally and utterly dimmed by Enos' bonfire of faith in comparison. Yet, his example has sparked an even deeper interest in who God is in me. For, if he truly does not lie, then he is eternally powerful because when someone is so honest that he could not lie (even though he has every chance to because he is God after all) than we can fully rely on his word. Now that is power. When I meet someone who does not lie (often for we are human and make mistakes) I see personal power. It is a great thing to develop a trait that you can share with God. And of course we are only the dust of the earth, nothing in comparison to our Heavenly Father or Savior in Heaven, but he wants us to be like him and share his eternal joy. God is joy, and men are that they might have joy. Its a wonderful thing to have such a glorious and powerful being wanting the best for us. Very reassuring, thats for sure. :)

By the way, this is a very humbling and profound talk by Gordon B. Hinckley. I highly recommend it:
http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?vgnextoid=f318118dd536c010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD&locale=0&sourceId=f9ef092480e6c010VgnVCM1000004d82620a____&hideNav=1

Monday, January 12, 2009

late late late late

Its late but I think I'm okay. I am kind of rewarding myself for working hard this first week of school (haha...this is not really a reward because it'll throw me off tomorrow. But..I hate mondays anyways)
I just wanted to say a public "Thank you" and then list all the things that I hope for...

First, I want to thank Heavenly Father for giving me a second chance at life. I want to thank hi for everything he has done for me, for being there for me and being patient with me, even though I make so many mistakes OVER AND OVER again.

Secondly, To my family. They have always been there for me and I have never been closer to any other human beings than with them. They are my best of friends and they have been there for me through thick and thin. Theyve seen me at my worst and they still love me. (a miracle..truly)

Third, to everyone who has touched my life. There have been times when I needed a friend and someone was there. Someone to listen to me groan and moan about things that were foolish or tedious. Also, to those in my life who have shown little acts of kindness. From strangers, to good friends. I am truly grateful for your love and your kindness. I never forget it and I always pray that Heavenly father blesses you greatly in so many ways for helping such a silly person as me.

I know this sounds like one of those "thank you"s at the end of a CD jacket, but I just felt like I needed to send out a general thank you out into the void of technology. My heart is truly full. Looking back at my life, I have gone far. Very far from many horrible times in my life. I could say that I had an easy life, but at the same time I could say that I had a very difficult life. I choose to say that I have had a perfect life for me. I need a challenge and Heavenly Father has definitely given me some things to tackle. well..I guess its mostly just so that I can come closer to him because the problems evaporated once I returned into his care.

My testimony of Heavenly Father and of Jesus Christ and The Book of Mormon and of the church are so much a part of me that its impossible to think of my life without these influences. I not only cant see my life without them, I dont want to. Its who I am. Heart mind and soul. And when I make stupid mistakes (and I most definately make my fair share) I feel terrible. I want to be as near to God as I can. I just hope that I can to all that I can to be near him. Maybe someday when I have my cute little kids I can teach them of the happiness they can have. Teach them in a way that they have their choice. I want them to see that I love God and that because of my trying my best to be good he has blessed me and that he blesses everyone in small to very large ways. I want them to have him as their only god, and to glory in his goodness and wisdom. Even if they dont, I will always love them of course. I will always support them, but I know that no happiness can be found without obeying some law of God's. (and laws are not to be broken or worked around. They are there to lift you up. Who ever said that stairs are horrible or that stairs control your life? Doesnt make sense right? Same thing. doesnt make sense why something that is there to help you is meant to hurt you. It only hurts if you fall down the stairs but if you dont have stairs it makes life that much more difficult) You know though, I believe how I do and others have that right. I just feel really blessed and I am glad that I am alive and that I have a chance to live the life that I want.